The Face of Mechanical Genius

ByJohn Brown

This is Warren Ellis.

I heat my house with radiant heating. When we built this place, Nellie, I, and the girls laid down yards and yards of tubing. Then the mudmen came in and covered it all up with concrete. We run hot water through that tubing. That water it heated by a boiler, which also heats the water for sinks and showers.

About two and a half weeks ago our boiler quit working. We called the guy who sold it to us. It worked again for one week and went out again. Then again. And again. Now if we lived in the valley and it was summer it wouldn’t be an issue. But we live at 6,000 feet, in the mountains, and it’s winter. We just got four inches of snow two days ago. Needless to say, heat is important.

Well, four technician visits, $600, and many hours later, we still have problems. The blasted boiler conked out again tonight just as Nellie and I were about to take showers to go to a dance for adults our church was putting on.

So we brought in the big guns. We called Warren. Now Warren fixes cars. He fixed our fridge. He’s worked on everything from computers to furnaces. So Warren arrives. In less than 10 minutes the @#!$ boiler was working again. And we now know exactly what the problem is so the Lochinvar boiler rep can’t tell us to look for something else and that it’s an installation error (yes it’s a Lochinvar Knight boiler–remember that boiler buyers). Genius. Absolute genius.

I offered to give Warren a big old kiss–hey, hot water’s important, almost as important as a wife who doesn’t have to take a cold shower in the morning. Warren refused. 

So here’s a wet one for ya, Warren. You’ve done your work to further world peace.

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  • Hooligan Hawks

    ByJohn Brown
    That guy just doesn't know when to quit...
    That guy just doesn't know when to quit...

    To allow my inner Swedish svelteness to manifest itself I’ve been doing some hiking and biking. I do my own Elmer Fudd biathalon in which I bike for a mighty 3 miles. Hike a hill interval style that I swear rises up at 90 degrees. Then go back to the bike and bike up another hill of the same size. And so I face the normal obstacles–inertia, rocks, mosquitoes, dump truck drivers who flirt with the idea of running me over. That sort of thing. But now I’ve got one more.

    You know I’ve been trying to attract some crows and ravens. No luck yet. I’ve gone to plan Q which is probably what most people would do for plan A–just put up a bird feeder with cat food in it. Except I haven’t gotten around to erecting the whole apparatus. So no crows or ravens yet. But I have been able to attract the attention of a pair of hawks.

    At first I thought they were protecting their nest. A pair of doughty parents. But I’ve looked about and can’t find any nest. Furthermore, they don’t always pull their stunt in the same area. And so I’m beginning to suspect they’re toying with me.

    Here’s what happens. I go on my hike and while I’m walking in place at the beginning of a new interval, looking out over the magnificent mountain vistas and contemplating important things like cheese, one of these hooligans will sneak dive bomb me from behind. At the last moment the bird will pull up making a huge WAAAHOOOF sound with its wings that sends my heart racing even faster than it already is. It’s like someone taking a huge broom and swinging it at speed three inches from the back of your head.

    Yesterday, I saw them off to the right at about 100 yards, calling out, making that piercing cry. I thought—ha! they’re over there. But THEY weren’t. It was only one of them. The other guy was between me and the sun. And so I’m hiking along minding my own business and WHAAAHOOOF!  I just about had a heart attack.

    I’ve caught one diving at me once. It’s an amazing thing to see a bird of that size hurtling from the sky straight at your head. And I would welcome such an experience again. But they just won’t perform. No, they’ve got to blindside me. 

    This week I’m going to get a picture of the low-budget criminals and post it here.

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