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Slush I Read by Jim C. Hines

ByJohn Brown

Laughs are lovely. I just came across this wonderful parody by novelist Jim C. Hines which will give you a few for free. Enjoy!

Slush I Read
by Jim C. Hines

(Apologies to Seuss)

I read slush.
Slush I read.

That slush I read.
That slush I read!
I do not like that slush I read.

Do you like fanfic with vamps?

I do not like them Mary Sue.
Why do these vamps all worship you?

Here’s a tale from D & D!

I do not want your D & D.
I do not like your elf PC.
I can not stand your purple prose.
I want to punch you in the nose!

Would you like a hot sex scene?
I wrote it for my online ‘zine!

Go to Hines’ site and read the rest right now

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  • Sing-Off, Reliable Contractors, Cruise & Valkyrie

    ByJohn Brown

    The Best Vocal Show Currently Running

    We are now two weeks into the third season of NBC’s The Sing-Off, and it’s going to be just as good as last year’s or better.  It airs for the next few weeks on Mondays from 7-9 p.m. Mountain. But you can catch the performances on the site http://www.nbc.com/sing-off/ if you miss them.

    According to the site, “The show scours the country in search of the best a cappella groups, ranging in various sizes and ages. This year, the competition has expanded to the 16 very best groups, who will perform popular songs in weekly competitions, which will culminate with a live finale revealing the grand-prize winner. The groups will be competing for America’s vote and a chance to walk away with the ultimate prize – a Sony Music recording contract and $200,000.”

    There are a lot of great groups this year, including Vocal Point from BYU and the University of Rochester Yellow Jackets, who both nailed their second songs this week–“The Way You Look Tonight” by Fred Astaire and “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli. These guys were sooooo good. Delilah, an all-girl group, wowed with their week one performance of “Grenade” by Bruno Marks. A number of the other 16 groups are spectacular, but there’s not enough time to list all the wonderful performances.

    This is the best vocal show on TV right now. The judges and host, who are all successful singers themselves, give interesting feedback, even if they sprinkle it with too many mild expletives for my taste. Tune in and enjoy.

    3 Reliable Men

    For almost a year now I’ve been trying to find somebody, ANYBODY, to come and fix some issues with my house. We had a leak in the roof, a leak through a window, and an exterior French door that was never hung right and gaped open at the top, especially when we had a strong north wind blowing at us in the winter. Lovely Wife had to take to stuffing the gap with a towel.

    So I called a number of local construction guys. I called folks in Evanston, Wyoming and Logan, Utah, and it boggled my mind how many promised to drop by but never showed up, or came by but never followed through. I was happy to pay good money. But contractor after contractor after contractor shined me.

    Then I ran onto three guys who made promises they could keep, showed up, followed through, did an excellent job, and did it quickly.

    Ryan Hoth of Hoth Boys Construction in Logan, UT, recommended to me by Burton Lumber in Logan, does framing, concrete, and general contracting. Ryan personally fixed the troublesome French door with a very creative and simple solution that I wouldn’t have come up with in a million years. Hoth’s number is 435-994-0169.

    Todd Bohman of Valley Trades in Logan, UT, which does siding and windows, came up and assessed, then sent one of his crew to fix our window/siding issue. The crewman not only worked expertly and quickly, but he fixed a piece of siding another contractor had broken without being prompted. Bohman’s number is 435-752-7642.

    Keith Homer of Homer Roofing in Logan, UT, not only assessed our issue, but steered us towards a fix that cut the amount of money we would have to pay him. He gave up revenue we were willing to pay because it was the right thing to do. Homer’s number is 435-787-0910.

    If I ever need any construction, siding, window, or roofing services, you can be sure I’ll be calling these guys first. 

    Valkyrie

    I love a number of movies Tom Cruise stars in. The stories are usually strong, and Cruise is a great actor. Nellie and I recently watched and enjoyed Knight and Day, a hilarious romantic action comedy with Cameron Diaz. We enjoyed him in Collateral, a thriller where a cab driver gets shanghaied to drive for a contract killer, and fights to save himself and the last victim. I loved him in Minority Report, Last Samurai, and Far & Away. In Valkyrie, Cruise stars as Claus von Stauffenberg, a colonel in the German army who attempts to assassinate Hitler.

    The movie is based on a true story, and dramatizes just one of many attempts those who disagreed with Hitler made to remove the despot from power. It shows just how close they came. The story is full of suspense and, ultimately, heartache.

    This is a movie to make you think. It’s also a great introduction to the history of WW2 Germany that’s often missed. According to a number of top WW2 historians, the film is accurate.

    If you’re in the mood for a suspenseful serious film, I think you’ll love this one. And when you’re done, you’ll ponder on the meaning of courage.

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  • Why I’m gonna purchase Correia’s MONSTER HUNTER ALPHA on Monday

    ByJohn Brown

    I’m going to be purchasing MONSTER HUNTER ALPHA by Larry Correia on Monday.  Here’s why.

    Reason #1: Correia delivers the goods

    I read MONSTER HUNTER INTERNATIONAL.  I ended my review of MHI saying Correia was going to be a writer to watch.  Well, for those of you who haven’t been watching, not only did Correia  sell tons of copies of MHI, he also made the New York Times best seller list with his second book AND sold TV rights to the MHI series to a major TV producer.

    Why would his books generate such a response? Because they’re so dang fun. That’s why. And Correia isn’t just a flash in the pan one-trick pony. Far from it, as demonstrated by Reason #2 below.

    I told you in my review of INTERNATIONAL that I don’t read books that don’t suck me in. I don’t give them 70 pages to warm up and get going.  I don’t care who wrote the book. I don’t care if the author is a big lug with guns. I don’t care if he has status and money or friends who can put the hurt on me. I don’t care if the author is my girl’s godmother and brings me Walker Shortbread Rounds (which are evil cookies that exert mind control). If the book bores me, I put it down. That doesn’t mean that books which bore me aren’t wonderful. Sales and numerous reader exclamations of delight and satisfaction attest to the the fact that many are. It’s just that I’m a reader of little patience. I love it when a book starts with a bang and keeps me hooked. And Correia’s books do exactly that.   

    Reason #2: Correia’s getting better

    I read MONSTER HUNTER VENDETTA recently.  I should have reviewed it, but I’ve been so freaking busy I barely have time to shave or appear in public because I’ve begun to look like the Unabomber. But here’s the deal with VENDETTA–it’s better than INTERNATIONAL.  

    Yes. Better.

    Well, expect for maybe the opening paragraphs. The quote and first few paragraps that opened INTERNATIONAL are hard to beat. This doesn’t mean the opening of VENDETTA is weak. Heck, no. VENDETTA trounces the openings of most novels and steals their lunch. And then it continues to delight all the rest of the way through. It’s just that it didn’t quite deliver the same jolt as MHI. But 500 or 503 watts, what’s the difference?

    So with VENDETTA, are there guns? Yes.

    Monsters? Check.

    Action? There’s action galore.

    It appeals to my testosterone right off the bat (even though Larry reports that a good number of his readers are women). But there are guns, monsters, and action in a lot of stories that stink. What Correia does is not only give us great action, but he also gives us wonderful new situations.  For example, you will never see the scene set in the ghetto of Birmingham, Alabama that appears here in any other book. Never. It’s a Correia original. But even more important than great new situations, is that he gives us a first-person narrator who is delightful to be around. I’m talking about Owen Zavasta Pitt, the accountant monster hunter. His responses to the situations he gets in just make me laugh, as do a number of the responses of the other characters. My only wish is that Correia would tone down some of his language just a bit.  It is possible even when writing about military characters.  But you can’t have everything, and Owen’s such a loveable lug, I overlook it.  Hey, maybe Milo will help him out on that as the series progresses.

    Furthermore, Pitt isn’t the only character who I find delightful or interesting.  In VENDETTA there is also Holly, Agent Franks, and G-Nome, one of Correia’s best yet. Of course, there’s also the Doctors Nelson, the former hunter Carlos, Melvin the troll, and Earl Harbinger who have their own moments to shine. As do Owen’s dad and brother. And Dorcas, MHI’s secretary with the plastic leg. Heck, I even like Susan.

    So how many is that–eleven already? How many wonderful characters do most authors give you in one book? Two or three?

    And that’s one of the things that is is better with VENDETTA than INTERNATIONAL.  In INTERNATIONAL, as good as it was, some of the characters just didn’t get the stage time they needed to shine. But here Correia declutters his scenes so we’re not trying to focus on too many people. The result is that those we do focus on each have the their moments and lines. The other thing I noticed was that Correia deftly orients us to each new situation. For those of you who are writers, let me suggest you look at Correia’s technique in VENDETTA for introducing characters and settings. 

    Another good thing: he wipes out a Girls Gone Wild camera crew in the first chapter. Anyone who does that gets a few points in my book.

    VENDETTA doesn’t attempt to become bigger in scope than INTERNATIONAL (as if it could). Instead, it feels like another episode in a great tale. And I’m happy with that because it promises more to come. I’m back with characters I like and situations that make me laugh and magic crap that evokes some oohs and aahs and every now and again makes me wish I’d come up with it for my own use.

    Finally, VENDETTA leavens the humor and action with a couple of poignant moments. I’m thinking of a chapter with Carlos, another scene with Owen’s dad, and one with G-Nome.

    As you can see, VENDETTA’S packed with goodness.

    With ALPHA, I’m expecting to hook up with at least one of the gang for more exploits and laffs. Will Correia get even better? I have no doubt he will. But who cares–he’s already delivering great stuff.  

    Reason #3 Did I mention that Correia makes me laugh?

    Just didn’t want to forget that. Furthermore, I swear I read somewhere that laughter increases your health and makes you live longer. So not only am I getting a great read, I’m extending my days upon the land.

    Reason #4 Monday is a special day

    Not any old Monday. But the 25th of July.

    Why is this special?

    Because it’s the first day of the first week of the book’s release.

    Now I know I’m going to buy this book sometime. But buying it in the first week lets me do something I might not be able to do at some other time.

    Because Correia has given me hours of pleasure, I figure I can tip him for his good service by helping him make the best seller list again.  And a book has the best chance of making that list in the first week of release. (For those of you interested in how that works, Larry gives a good explaination here.) Making a best seller list does all sorts of good things for an author, and, as a result, that author’s readers.

    So Monday’s my day to leave the tip on the table and tell the owner to keep up the good work.

    The New York Times list is a good one. But I’d like to see him on the USA Today list, which measures sales so much better than any other list out there. My fingers are crossed.

    For those of you who are Correia fans or who have been putting off giving his stuff a go, now’s the time to either get MHI and begin the series or ALPHA and continue the delight.

    EDIT: After I posted, I couldn’t wait and just went ahead and processed my order. Pre-orders will count in that first week, and after writing this I couldn’t resist. Looking forward to more hours of laughter and some great characters.

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  • For the attendees of my killer workshop

    ByJohn Brown

    I think the workshop version 2.0 went very well. I had a wonderful time.  Click on the “Writing” menu above AND the category link on the sidebar to see the many blog entries I’ve made about writing principles.

    1. The 3 Things You Must Learn to Write Killer Stories Handout
    2. The Story Cycle Handout
    3. Lesson from writer’s area: Step 1 of The Creative Process: Capture the Zing
    4. Resource: Zing Hunting Methods

    Remember the 10 to 20’s. I would love to hear your experience with them.

    1. STORY EFFECTS. List 10 to 20 Stories you love. Then next to each write what you loved about it and what emotions it triggered in you. Finally, look at your answers to see the patterns. These are the effects you love, the ones YOU will probably find the most joy trying to create for others.
    2. PROBLEMS. List the main problems (threat, lack, mystery) for each of those stories. These are YOUR problem types, the one’s you’ll probably find the most joy writing about.
    3. INTERESTING CHARACTERS. List 10 to 20 characters or people you find interesting. Next to each identify what it is that makes them so interesting to you. Finally, look at your answers and identify the patterns. These are YOUR  draws. Use these when developing characters.  
    4. ROOTING FACTORS. List 10 to 20 characters your root for or against. Next to each identify what it is that makes you root for or against them. Finally, look at your answers and identify the patterns. Again, these are YOUR equity factors. Use them when developing your story.
    5. STORY PATTERNS. For the stories you identified, map out their story cycle (problem, reaction/decision, action, disaster). Your goal here is to see patterns of how the types of problems you love develop.
    6. ZING. For one week gather 10 to 20 zing each day. Try to get zing in all four areas (problem, plot, character, setting) during the week. Look at the lesson on capturing the zing and the zing hunting methods resource in the writer’s section.
    7. POWER QUESTIONS. Start a list of creative questions that are productive for you. You will want to identify power questions for all 5 parts of story. Look at the handout for some of mine. Ultimately, you’ll ask yourself hundreds of questions, but there will be 10 to 20 that you keep coming back to.  
    8. TIME. Identify how you will get 10 to 20 hours to write each week. If you can’t do 10, try to get close.
    9. WRITE. Develop and write a story. Identify the day you will start and do it.
    10. CONTACT ME. I want to hear about your progress.  Please post your findings in the comments of this blog entry 🙂
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  • The Sing-Off, Sam’s Salmon, The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill

    ByJohn Brown

    One of the best TV programs this fall

    American Idol was good until the judges became irrelevant and annoying. Or maybe I was just tired of the format. I didn’t think I’d watch another singing show. But I tuned into the opener for The Sing-Off on NBC last week, and holy harmonies, Batman–it was wonderful.

    Ten of the best a’capella groups in the country compete for a $100,000 prize and a recording contract with Sony Music. Unlike American Idol, the groups represent a wide range of ages—from kids in high school to older adults—and backgrounds. They don’t use any instruments, just their voices, to sing incredible arrangements of modern songs with percussion, bass, and lovely vocals. This ain’t no choir music. And unlike American Idol, the judges actually have interesting and useful things to say. Also unlike American Idol, the judges eliminate the groups until three are left. Only then do the rest of get to call in and vote.

    We were glued to the TV watching each episode. The programs are all two hours long, but move like lightening. Our favorite groups at this point are Committed and The Backbeats.

    This whole show runs a total of three weeks, one episode each on Monday and Wednesday. It started last week, continues this, and finishes next week. Some of you might be depressed, feeling you’ve already missed it.

    Not so! You can watch all of the full episodes online at www.nbc.com/sing-off/ (with fewer commercials). Then tune in for the grand finale. I can’t wait. 

    Are you kidding? From a can?

    Canned tuna fish is one of those un-meats. It doesn’t taste like fish. It doesn’t taste like chicken. I guess the all-white albacore is okay. But tuna’s not one of those spectacular foods I crave.

    So you’d think, as I strolled the isles of Sam’s Club, that I would have passed up the canned Member’s Mark Atlantic Salmon. But one of my wild culinary urges, the ones that rarely pan out, overtook me.

    I purchased a pack of five, seven-ounce cans for $11.88. I brought the pack home put it on the shelf and didn’t dare open it. What was I thinking?

    Canned salmon? Canned meat?! When was the last time you had a steak out of a can?

    It couldn’t be good.

    Of course, my sensible hesitations only last so long. I broke down one afternoon when the cupboards were bare. I saw the salmon and thought that it might go well with a salad and baked potato.

    I opened the can. It was pink, like the trout I used to catch and immediately fry when I went camping as a boy. I tasted it. And it tasted like .  .  . fish. Real fish. The light delicious taste of those trout I caught so many years ago.

    I enjoyed a wonderful meal that day and have had several repeats since. Boneless, skinless filets in water, packed with omega-3 fats, all grown on fish farms in Chile. 

    Great movie set in Wales

    I enjoy Hugh Grant as an actor. I loved him in Sense & Sensibility with Emma Thompson, one of my most favorite movies ever. And so I was curious about another movie with Grant that received two thumbs up from Siskel and Ebert. It’s called The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down A Mountain.

    The setup is unusual. In 1917, with the war still raging in Europe, two English cartographers visit the small South Wales village to measure what is claimed to be the “first mountain inside of Wales.” The villagers are proud of their “mountain,” but become alarmed when the Englishmen measure it and find it’s not a mountain but a hill. The villagers are determined not to lose their status. Especially not to two Englishmen. What follows is good humor, drama, and a bit of romantic comedy. I think you’ll fall in love with the characters. It’s a wonderful tale. And it’s on DVD.

    As a little bonus, here are the opening lines, given to us by two narrators.

    “Narrator: For some odd reason, lost in the mists of time, there’s an extraordinary shortage of last names in Wales. Almost everyone seems to be a Williams, a Jones, or an Evans. To avoid widespread confusion, Welsh people often add an occupation to a name. For example, there was Williams the Petroleum, and Williams the Death. There was Jones the Bottle, and Jones the Prize Cabbage… which described his hobby and his personality. Evans the Bacon, and Evans the End of the World. But one man’s name was a puzzle, and it wasn’t until I was 10 years old that I asked my grandfather about the man with the longest and most enigmatic name of all.

    “Grandfather: The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill but Came Down a Mountain? Now there’s a long name for you. And a long story. You are not going to fidget, are you? For this is a story… an epic story. Yes, epic.”

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    Dewitt Jones and Clear Vision

    ByJohn Brown

    Not many people understand creativity. Dewitt Jones, a National Geographic photographer, does. And this video on the creative process, HOLY COW, it’s so good I had to buy it so I could watch it whenever the yearning took me.

    Clear Vision

    But this isn’t just for artists. The principles of creativity apply to any creative endeavor–from writing and drawing to building microchips and parenting. 

    Go here. Watch the brief clip. Then watch the whole Clear Vision video. Tell me what  you think.  

    Capture the zing!

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  • Indie Thoughts: What drives book sales?

    ByJohn Brown

    gallup-poll-how-readers-select-booksWhat are the biggest factors influencing which book a person will read next?

    Many surveys have been conducted over the years to answer just that question. I’ve pasted one on the right and summarize the results of others here. One factor sits at the top of almost all of those surveys. Did you look at those other surveys? According to these surveys, folks tend to buy books by authors they already like.

    This phenomenon is called a lot of things. One of the most common is “brand loyalty.” Some might be wondering how you define a brand and what could be branded in publishing. KKR has a great piece here that answers those questions.

    So brand loyalty. How does it develop? Well, any time you please readers, their loyalty grows and inches them toward the loyal fan end of the spectrum. Your brand may not have the power of a Dean Koontz because you don’t have near the number of loyal customers as Koontz, but you still have a brand. And people who like your stuff are going to be loyal to some degree, but not the same degree.

    I think that last point is important to remember: readers that know and like your brand won’t all have the same degree of loyalty.

    You have hard-core fans who are totally dedicated to you and make an effort to know what’s happening. You’ve pleased them so much, your brand is gold to them.

    You have others who will buy your book the minute they hear it’s out, but don’t make an active effort to keep up to date on things.

    There are others who will mark it to be read when they hear about it, but don’t make a big effort to get it unless it’s convenient.

    You have others who like your stuff but are still in that period where they like but haven’t yet committed to being a fan. That sometimes may take a few books.

    That’s how it was with me and Lee Child. I read the first and liked it. Some time later I saw another and was predisposed to like it. I read that one and liked it too. I wasn’t a Child fan yet. But then I read the third. And that’s when I became a true fan. I’m not hard-core. But I now read everything he puts out within a few months of the release.

    From what I can see, branding and brand loyalty matter no less in publishing than they do in any business where you’re relying on repeat customers.

    JD Robb Celebrity in DeathI see the effect of brand loyalty all over. It was the force behind the dramatic explosion of sales when it was revealed that Robert Galbraith, the author of The Cuckoo’s Calling, was J.K. Rowling. It was the force behind the midnight book store events when Stephanie Meyer would release a Twilight book (and the Twilight balls). And other similar events with many other authors. It’s the reason why publishers make the names of a lot of authors so prominent on the cover. Good grief, sometimes that’s all you need. Look at some of the Nora Roberts or JD Robb covers. On many of those the name, the brand, takes up 75% of the cover. You can see customer loyalty blossoming in reviews on GoodReads and Amazon and elsewhere where readers say in essence, “I loved this author and I will be looking for the next book.”

    Building a base of loyal customers is they goal in businesses that rely on repeat sales. Because not only do those folks come back for more, but the also tell other folks about the product.

    Go back an look at those surveys. What was usually the number two reason someone selected a book?

    Word of mouth.

    Word of mouth comes in many forms. Recommendations from folks you know. Recommendations from other influencers–folks like Rush Limbaugh or review sites you frequent. Recommendations from some other type of social influence mechanism like a bestseller list on Amazon.

    The key takeaway for me is that top two factors driving book sales all stem from a loyal customer base. Which means building that base should be one of my main goals as a writer.

    So how do you do that?

    The same way everyone else in a repeat customer business does it. At a general level, you:

    1. Create a product (a book in this case) that’s likely to delight a certain set of consumers (readers).
    2. Let those consumers (readers) know about it.
    3. Make it enticing for them to give it a try.
    4. Make it easy for those who liked it to know when they can get another.
    5. Get more product (another book that’s similar to the last) out the door so your repeat customers can come back for more.

    I’ll be sharing more of my ideas about aspects of those five steps in upcoming posts. And I’ll be wanting to hear what you’ve found that works. Because ultimately we’re all testing various strategies. And the more we share with each other, the more we’ll each benefit.

    While you’re waiting, you might want to look at an awesome book on customer loyalty called The Loyalty Effect by Frederick F. Reichheld.

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