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Slush I Read by Jim C. Hines

Laughs are lovely. I just came across this wonderful parody by novelist Jim C. Hines which will give you a few for free. Enjoy!

Slush I Read
by Jim C. Hines

(Apologies to Seuss)

I read slush.
Slush I read.

That slush I read.
That slush I read!
I do not like that slush I read.

Do you like fanfic with vamps?

I do not like them Mary Sue.
Why do these vamps all worship you?

Here’s a tale from D & D!

I do not want your D & D.
I do not like your elf PC.
I can not stand your purple prose.
I want to punch you in the nose!

Would you like a hot sex scene?
I wrote it for my online ‘zine!

Go to Hines’ site and read the rest right now

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    How to Build an Action Plot

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  • The Profiler, Almond Milk, and Uncle Sam

    Real crime 

    It’s 1990. You’re a housewife, homeschooling your children, and renting a room upstairs to a young man to make ends meet. There are a few odd things about the young man, but you overlook them. Then one day a woman is strangled on a jogging path near your home, and your first thought is that the young man living in your house has something to do with it.

    What do you do?

    Pat Brown found herself in this exact situation. She voiced her suspicions to her husband, but it was all too farfetched. However, the nagging thought wouldn’t let her go, and she soon uncovered evidence that made the young man a strong suspect.

    She took the evidence to the police, but they dismissed her as a bored housewife with an overactive imagination. She evicted the young man, but it would be six years before the authorities would finally bring him in for questioning.

    Dismayed and frustrated, Brown started down a path that would lead to her become a professional criminal profiler, assisting police departments and victims’ families by analyzing both physical and behavioral evidence to make the most scientific determination possible about who committed a crime.

    In The Profiler: My Life Hunting Serial Killers and Psychopaths Brown tells about what happened with that young man and her journey to becoming a profiler, then she opens a number of other cases she’s worked on, giving the reader a behind-the-scenes look at how profilers work, and how their methods bring new investigative avenues to light. She also brings home very clearly just how many murders go unsolved. It’s an absolutely fascinating read.

    Milk that doesn’t moo

    I used to think soy milk was either for the lactose intolerant or hippies. And so I always avoided that milk section of the grocery store. But, having embarked on a new way of eating that I’ll explain in another column, I was induced to approach the alternative milk shelves. I purchased a carton of soy milk, but then I saw cartons of something even more strange: almond milk.

    Puzzling. I knew, of course, that almonds did not have udders. So nobody was out there hooking them up to tiny milking machines. And they were nuts, so it’s not like you can squeeze them to make them release their tasty juices. Instead, I learned that almond milk is made by finely grinding almonds together with water. I thought this was something new, invented perhaps by a Californian who’d had too much weed, but it appears many Medieval European recipes called for almond milk, and it has always been a popular beverage in the Middle East. So almond milk has been around for some time.

    But I didn’t know any of this. I just knew I loved almonds and that they provide all sorts of goodies for the human body. Besides, I have a hard time resisting adventures. So along with the soy, I picked up a carton of Silk’s PureAlmond regular, vanilla, and chocolate milk.

    The soy was okay, but it left a weird zingy taste in my mouth. Furthermore, soy contains estrogen. I’m sure it’s a fine product, but I live with four daughters and don’t need any more estrogen. And I certainly don’t need it mutating me in any, um, feminine ways. So I put the soy aside and gave the almond milk a go.

    It was delicious. I love the vanilla and regular flavors the best. In fact, I like it so much I only drink cow’s milk when the last drop of almond milk is gone, and I try to make sure that never happens. Some might worry that I’ll deplete my calcium stores, but not so. Almond milk actually has MORE calcium than cow’s milk along with vitamin D that allows the body to absorb the mineral. It also has 50% of the RDA of vitamin E, of which cow’s milk has none. But that’s all technical vitaminy stuff. It wouldn’t matter if the milk itself didn’t taste so dang good.

    The American breakfast

    I love cereal. We have our standard favorites as a family, but I also like to get a box of something new when we shop. I recently saw, perched up on the top shelf at Wal-Mart, boxes of  Uncle Sam.

    What the heck? Was this a Tea Party product? I know Utah is conservative, but come on. And what kind of nut sings “The Stars and Stripes” for breakfast?

    Well, I might.

    So I promptly snagged a box and read that it’s been around since 1908, thus making it politically neutral. Then I read the ingredients. It’s a simple cereal made of wheat berries that are steamed, rolled, and toasted to provide killer whole grain nutrition. Those wheat flakes are then mixed with flax seeds (omega 3’s anyone?). That’s it.

    I purchased a box, felt patriotic, and then gave it a try when we got home. I’ve been buying it regularly ever since. It’s slammed with 10 grams of fiber and 7 grams of protein, and goes great with Silk’s vanilla almond milk and a piece of fruit.

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  • Good Stuff! Science as Storytelling

    I know the word ‘atheist’ presumes a lot, but it’s just an easier way of describing someone with a rational mind.

    Joe Konrath, a self-avowed atheist, awesome fighter for authors, and leader in the indie author movement, said that almost a year ago in his Konrants post.

    My response then was the same as it is now—right, the rest of us run around eating socks and wondering if there really are gerbils under the hoods of our cars.

    Shoot, wouldn’t it be great if we could get us one of them rational minds?

    In the comments of that post, I had a very interesting conversation with Joe about God, belief, and evidence. Joe brought up a number of valid points about the errors we can make when we formulate beliefs using something other than science.

    However, he didn’t point out the errors we can make when we formulate beliefs based on science. He didn’t want to talk about the limits of science. What he wanted to focus on was the claim that if God existed, we should not only be able to observe things about him, her, or it, but we should also be able to subject those observations to the scientific method.

    If we couldn’t do that, Joe claimed, then there was no rational basis for believing in God. God did not exist until he was proven to exist. And the only way to do that was by using science.

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    To answer that, we first have to understand what science is. And what it is not.

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    Hold on, John. Is this some anti-science thing?

    Not at all.

    In fact, it’s just the opposite.

    They wrote the first version of this article help students with simplistic views of science and who tended to “dismiss scientific conclusions that challenge their preconceived notions—especially those connected with religious or political views.” They also wrote it to help scientists who are not religious, downplay the supernatural, or “share in certain inaccurate views of the nature of science.”

    What they have fashioned is a way to “help science students (and professors) gain a more productive view of both the nature of science and the science-religion interface.” And, as good scientists, they put their theory to the test and found that their approach was indeed effective at both secular and religious colleges.

    So, is Joe right? Is science the only way to prove or disprove God?

    Let me suggest you read the article. Let me suggest that this is the most productive way of talking about the issue that I’ve found. As you read, you might want to look for the answers to the following questions:

    • What makes science different from things like astrology?
    • Does science have any blind spots?
    • Is science fiction because its stories change?
    • Is it possible for natural phenomena to exist upon which you can do no science?
    • Under what circumstances could science prove the existence of a God?

    If you’re interested in science or religion, I think you will love this article. Not only because it clarifies and reaffirms science, but it also because it helps us understand its limits.

    I would, of course, be interested in your responses to it. And in another post perhaps we can talk about how we’re supposed to proceed about a subject when we can’t do science.

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  • A Wowser Mouse & Financial Peace

    Dis Eez A Mouse

    I’m a Luddite, which means that even though I work in the software industry, I do not rush out to purchase the latest and greatest gadget.  Our family computer, for example, is running Windows 98, primarily because we purchased the computer itself in 1999.  In human years that computer is like 432 years old.  Maybe we’ll retire the old boy this year.  The point is that I don’t like to churn through tons of gadgets.  I want something to work.  I want it to work well.  And then I want to use it for a long time. 

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    Dave Ramsey’s Complete Guide to Money

    If you’re like 70% of America, you are living paycheck to paycheck, which means that if you or your spouse (assuming you have one) were laid off, you would probably have difficulties meeting your mortgage the next month.  If you didn’t go into default on the house, you certainly would on other payments and bills. 

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    Did you know that if you invested $50 a month, an average of what many lotto players spend, in the stock market for 40 years, you’d very likely end up with $316,000 in the bank  (over the last 40 years of ups and downs, the annualized return of the market was almost 10%). You would have put in only $24,000 over that time period, which means you would have made $292,203!  But instead, if you’re a lotto player, you just throw all that out the window.  (No, you’re not going to win; not even maybe in your dreams.)

    You probably think your kids will have to take out loans to go to college. And you think that’s a good idea.  In fact, you probably think it’s a good idea to have a credit card just in case there’s an emergency because you don’t have any savings to cover any emergencies.

    The list goes on.  The sad part of this is that our finances cause us average Americans a lot of stress in our lives and marriages and families (even if we’re in denial) and very often heartbreak. 

    I know that a lot of us look at our financial chains and throw our hands up in despair—what can I do?  The mountain of debt and bills are just too high.  Besides, this is how everybody lives.

    But it’s not.

    There is a way out.  And it doesn’t matter how old you are, it’s not too late.

    Dave Ramsey has written his hands-down best book ever, which will take you step-by-step through the process of turning a financial mess into financial peace.  He’ll do it in a down-to-earth easy-to-read style. No confusing ten dollar words that make your head spin.

    Ramsey himself went through financial hell.  He was the guy that made all the mistakes with his money.  Lost everything.  Had collection agencies coming after him.  Didn’t know how he was going to feed the family.  He turned that all around.  Yes, he’s a millionaire, but more importantly, he has been working for the last twenty years to teach regular people with regular jobs the simple principles that lead to financial peace.  They’re becoming debt free and working their way towards huge net-worth.  

    You want a step-by-step plan?  You want to educate yourself about money and family finances from one of the nation’s leading experts?  Then go and purchase Dave Ramsey’s Complete Guide to Money today and start reading it.  You will not regret it.  If you already have his Total Money Makeover and don’t think this will be worth it, think again.  This goes into all sorts of things the Total Money Makeover doesn’t.

    Be free, people.  Be free.

     

    Related Stuff

    Look at the links and the video.

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  • Generating Story 8: Creative Q&A part 2

    I realized I needed to blather a bit more on this topic to warn you against something before I bring the other authors on.

    You’re going to be tempted.  You’re going to be tempted to seek for some Holy Grail list of magic development questions.  Some of you are going to be tempted to compile some big old honking list of “the questions that will produce a killer story every time and all I have to do is ask them.”

    That list doesn’t exist. If you seek for it, you’re going to waste a lot of time and end up having to fight killer rabbits and fetch shrubberies for weird knights.

    Don’t fall for it.

    But, John, didn’t you say there were core questions?

    I did.  You need answers for those.  But you need to also understand that a writer will ask a great number of development questions when writing a specific novel, some of which he might only ask once.

    Last year I was out on the forum at CodexWriters.com and one writer asked the rest of us how we approached developing our stories.  He was looking for some kind of development map, e.g. I have this piece of the story, now I need to develop the rest–how does one go about that? 

    That discussion led directly to this series on getting and developing story ideas. My thoughts then were that you need to define and understand the basic elements of story.  Knowing the key story principles behind each element leads us to a handful of core development objectives and questions.  But–

    I DO NOT think there’s a comprehensive must-do list. 

    Why?

    Because it’s been my experience that no two stories are exactly the same, and so no two stories require the exact same questions. And even if stories are similar, questions and techniques don’t always produce the same results each time. One question or technique might prove fruitful one time, but it might be unfruitful the next, or even unnecessary.  So the point of this is NOT to get a checklist of a hundred questions that will lead you to generate the whole story in your mind before you write.

    The goal is to develop the six parts. Use the questions you need to develop those parts.

    Look at the many setting and character profile question lists that float around. As I’ve used those, I always run out of steam because while some of those questions are interesting and helpful, quite a few of them just don’t apply to the project at hand. They bore me. Maybe I felt a spark of life with one question, but instead of following it as the way into the story, the whole checklist format suggests I need to move on to the next one and fill in the blanks.

    But my goal isn’t to fill in blanks. My goal is to make the story come alive in my mind, to make the character come alive, to develop someone sympathetic, deserving, and interesting (if he’s the hero).

    So while I think looking for productive questions is important, and I DO think there are some core questions that need to be answered every time, I think a person will be more productive if they step back and identify the key things they want in the story, the scene, the particular character.  This means we’ll have some standard questions and techniques based on how stories work, but it also means we’ll learn how to do the creative Q&A process on the fly, following the zing for the current project, coming up with questions that we could never predict we’d use. 

    And we’ll use the objectives for the six core parts as the guide then build upon them.

    For example, when finishing up my last draft of Curse of a Dark God, I wrote the opening to a big battle chapter. I know that for things to be clear to the reader, I need to set the stage, have a hook, give the what, why, where, etc. I need to transport them as best I can. Those are my objectives. The questions, while not formally stated, flowed from them–what are some options for a good hook, how do I want to set the scene, etc.

    These are fairly standard objectives/questions. They’re story fundamentals. And there weren’t a lot of them. You can get overwhelmed with too many niggling objectives and criteria. I’ve found it’s best to focus on KEY things. To ask myself–what are the Pareto factors, the handful of things that really have the biggest effect in story with character, plot, scene? Once I identify those factors I can easily turn them into questions.

    So I had those handful of objectives. But I had some others that were very specific to that scene that I probably won’t use in any other scene ever.  And I couldn’t have really even known about them until I got to the point where I was writing the scene.

    For example, one was how to introduce the Dogman of Toth and his pack of maulers in a way that makes the reader say “ho-lee crap those guys are screwed!” Another one was how to introduce the kitemen in a cool way. Another was based on a feeling I was getting from my Spidey-sense that the scene I was writing was going to undercut a later one if I made the hero’s objective to kill one certain character. So I had to ask, what is the right progression of these scenes? Who should the hero attack here so it feels right, like a progression?  Another objective was to make this whole battle scene awesome, thrilling. That’s certainly something I’ll want to do with other battle scenes. But not on all scenes.

    With the very next scene I was asking–how can I make this scene tender and heart-breaking? These ad hoc questions about the Dogman and kitemen and the story progression are all great questions flowing from objectives, but they were for that one particular scene.

    So I think there are some core objectives or principles of how character, setting, problem, plot, and text work. These are based on key story factors. I listed those out in the last post and in my series on suspense. You can make a “standard” list of objectives and questions out of these. For example, one of those key objectives is for the reader to care about the hero. Another is to find him interesting. I can indeed translate these core objectives into some standard POWER QUESTIONS that might be put on a list.  Along with some core questions, there are favorite techniques (tools) we each use to help us work up what we need and get into a story, scene, character, problem, etc.

    But I think a lot of writing is using the creative Q&A on the fly because it’s just impossible to think up all the objectives and questions you’ll encounter before you get into it. 

    Have I said that about twenty times now in this post?

    Let me suggest you not try to develop everything up front before you begin to draft.  Some development questions occur when you’re sketching or outlining. Others when you’re in details of draft mode. It’s a mistake to try to get it all up front in some list.

    The key, I think, is to have our handful of CORE development objectives/questions and ALSO expect to use the QA process along the way. This allows us to move forward in the creation without needing to develop everything up front, which is impossible (no, it really is impossible), and then step back and formulate questions when the need arises, based on our objectives of the moment, and use any number of methods to generate the answers until we have something that rocks.

    But John, how do you know when you’re ready to move forward?

    For me I need to have generated the story concept–the basics of the character, setting, and problem.  When I have that, I’m usually beginning to “see” things, although certainly not everything.  Often I’ve envisioned a couple of moments or scenes.  Maybe some dialogue, etc.  When I get to this point, I’m able to write a Story Setup statement.  And then I generate a sketch of the plot with a working outline.  I DON’T have all the details, but the story’s alive enough in my mind to proceed. 

    Sometimes I begin to draft what I sketched and find out it doesn’t work.  And sometimes I have to draft to get my story concept. Eloise McGraw (I love her book The Moorchild) usually found she had to draft seven chapters before she really knew what the story was about. That’s fine. The key isn’t to use a certain set of tools in a specific sequence. The key is to get to the point where you understand the story you’re telling. If I can do that with a bit of sketching and a little drafting, great.  If I need to do a bit more exploratory drafting to have the story come to life in my mind, that’s fine too.  The key is to know what I need to know about the story and work until I know it. This is writing that’s based on objectives, on principles, not on procedures.

    So there ARE core questions you’ll need to answer for every story.  But it’s also true that you will be hunting mythical rabbits if you look for a secret magic question procedure that lists all the questions you need to ask, EVAR!  Having said that, I’ll now let these other authors finally get a few words in edgewise.

    For more in this series, see How to Get and Develop Story Ideas

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  • The Veggie from Outer Space & The Mentalist

    I’ve been trying to increase my intake of vegetables and fruits because you are what you eat, and I think I’d like to look like a broccoli—long, sturdy, and with a lot of bushiness on top. So we’ve enjoyed our weekly box of fruits and veggies from the Bountiful Baskets co-op that we pick up in Garden City each Saturday.

    And we’ve enjoyed the surprises. Because someone else orders the produce, we never know quite what we’re going to get. Of course, this also means we sometimes get things we don’t normally seek out. Take cauliflower, for instance. We received a number of heads three or four weeks in a row back in October.

    Cauliflower?

    Who eats cauliflower? You ever hear anyone say: “Cauliflower’s on—let’s make a run to Brigham City to get some,” or “LaVern, I believe I’m going to knock back another floret,” or “It’s a party! You bring the chips and soda, I’ll bring the cauliflower?”

    No. We don’t hear those things because cauliflower is just weird. It’s the stuff that nobody eats on the vegetable tray. It looks like some growth spore from the planet Xenon. In fact, I want to know who started the rumor that aliens had big eyes and spindly limbs. That’s all propaganda. The aliens are already living among us, and cauliflower is their freaky pupal metamorphosis growth stage!

    Or, at least, that’s what I thought. Then I ate a serving of creamy mashed cauliflower at Ruby Tuesday’s and gained a testimony of both Ruby Tuesday’s and the weird white cousin of cabbage.  

    So when we received our surprise veggie, did I despair or use it for target practice on the idiot orange tom cat that comes around our house? No. I went to search for that Ruby Tuesday’s recipe. And through the miracle of the internets, I found it. Or something close enough for government work.

    Here it is. Enjoy.

    CREAMY MASHED CAULIFLOWER

    • 1 head cauliflower
    • ¾ C water
    • 1 T corn starch
    • 1/3 C heavy cream
    • 1 t granulated sugar
    • ¾ t salt
    • Pepper to taste
    • 1/8 t garlic powder
    • 1/8 t onion powder
    1. Divide the head of cauliflower into florets that are all roughly the same size. Steam or microwave until cauliflower is tender (we pressure cook it). Drain and toss it into a bowl of ice water to bring the cooking process to a screeching halt.
    2. Put florets into a food processor along with ½ C water. Puree on high speed until smooth, but with some small bits for texture. Or you can simply mash it like you do potatoes.
    3. Pour all the puree into a medium sauce pan. Dissolve the corn starch in the remaining ¼ cup of water and add to the puree.
    4. Add the cream, salt, pepper, garlic powder, and onion powder to the mixture and stir. Set the saucepan over medium heat and cook, stirring often, for 5-10 minutes, or until thick.

     You can experiment and switch the water for milk if you’d like, or if you don’t have cream. Leftovers are delicious. Of course, if I end up lumpy and round, you know it’s the cauliflower’s fault, or the alien’s that has set up shop in my chest cavity, whichever’s the truth. 

    For those who haven’t tried Bountiful Baskets, go to bountifulbaskets.org for more info. For those who wonder if cauliflower has any nutritional value at all, here’s the wikipedia on its goodness:

    “Cauliflower is low in fat, high in dietary fiber, folate, water and vitamin C, possessing a very high nutritional density. As a member of the brassica family, cauliflower shares with broccoli and cabbage several phytochemicals which are beneficial to human health, including sulforaphane, an anti-cancer compound released when cauliflower is chopped or chewed. Boiling reduces the levels of anti-cancer compounds, with losses of 20–30% after five minutes, 40–50% after ten minutes, and 75% after thirty minutes. However, other preparation methods such as steaming, microwaving, and stir frying had no significant effect on the compounds.

    Along with other brassica vegetables, cauliflower is a source of indole-3-carbinol, a chemical which boosts DNA repair in cells and appears to block the growth of cancer cells. The compound also appears to work as an anti-estrogen, appearing to slow or prevent the growth of tumors of the breast and prostate. Cauliflower also contains other glucosinolates besides sulfurophane, substances which may improve the liver’s ability to detoxify carcinogenic substances. A high intake of cauliflower has been found to reduce the risk of aggressive prostate cancer. Cauliflower is also a good source of carotenoids.”

    I guess the short version of all that is blah blah blah science says it’s good.

    ***

    Nellie and I have been enjoying The Mentalist for two years now. It’s a CBS crime thriller mystery series about a “mentalist,” a guy named Patrick Jane, played wonderfully by Simon Baker, who used to be a professional mind-reader and psychic, and a very good one at that, but gave it up and came clean. All psychics, he says in the pilot episode, are either fakes or deluded.

    But he was so good at it and made so much money–why would he give it up?

    Because a serial killer named Red John murdered his wife and daughter. So Jane has dedicated his life to hunting down and killing the murderer. To do that, he becomes a consultant to the California Bureau of Investigation (CBI) and works with a team of investigators.

    Some of the episodes are about the hunt for Red John. Many more are about other cases the team has to solve.

    Patrick Jane is the main attraction of the series. His outrageous behavior, acute observation skills, and keen wit all fascinate and delight. As the series progresses, the other characters take on their own interesting personalities as well. Agent Cho, for example, provides many moments of laugh-out-loud deadpan humor.

    The series is into its third season, but with the miracle of Netflix you can start at the beginning and watch them all commercial free at your own leisure.

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