The Profiler, Almond Milk, and Uncle Sam

ByJohn Brown

Real crime 

It’s 1990. You’re a housewife, homeschooling your children, and renting a room upstairs to a young man to make ends meet. There are a few odd things about the young man, but you overlook them. Then one day a woman is strangled on a jogging path near your home, and your first thought is that the young man living in your house has something to do with it.

What do you do?

Pat Brown found herself in this exact situation. She voiced her suspicions to her husband, but it was all too farfetched. However, the nagging thought wouldn’t let her go, and she soon uncovered evidence that made the young man a strong suspect.

She took the evidence to the police, but they dismissed her as a bored housewife with an overactive imagination. She evicted the young man, but it would be six years before the authorities would finally bring him in for questioning.

Dismayed and frustrated, Brown started down a path that would lead to her become a professional criminal profiler, assisting police departments and victims’ families by analyzing both physical and behavioral evidence to make the most scientific determination possible about who committed a crime.

In The Profiler: My Life Hunting Serial Killers and Psychopaths Brown tells about what happened with that young man and her journey to becoming a profiler, then she opens a number of other cases she’s worked on, giving the reader a behind-the-scenes look at how profilers work, and how their methods bring new investigative avenues to light. She also brings home very clearly just how many murders go unsolved. It’s an absolutely fascinating read.

Milk that doesn’t moo

I used to think soy milk was either for the lactose intolerant or hippies. And so I always avoided that milk section of the grocery store. But, having embarked on a new way of eating that I’ll explain in another column, I was induced to approach the alternative milk shelves. I purchased a carton of soy milk, but then I saw cartons of something even more strange: almond milk.

Puzzling. I knew, of course, that almonds did not have udders. So nobody was out there hooking them up to tiny milking machines. And they were nuts, so it’s not like you can squeeze them to make them release their tasty juices. Instead, I learned that almond milk is made by finely grinding almonds together with water. I thought this was something new, invented perhaps by a Californian who’d had too much weed, but it appears many Medieval European recipes called for almond milk, and it has always been a popular beverage in the Middle East. So almond milk has been around for some time.

But I didn’t know any of this. I just knew I loved almonds and that they provide all sorts of goodies for the human body. Besides, I have a hard time resisting adventures. So along with the soy, I picked up a carton of Silk’s PureAlmond regular, vanilla, and chocolate milk.

The soy was okay, but it left a weird zingy taste in my mouth. Furthermore, soy contains estrogen. I’m sure it’s a fine product, but I live with four daughters and don’t need any more estrogen. And I certainly don’t need it mutating me in any, um, feminine ways. So I put the soy aside and gave the almond milk a go.

It was delicious. I love the vanilla and regular flavors the best. In fact, I like it so much I only drink cow’s milk when the last drop of almond milk is gone, and I try to make sure that never happens. Some might worry that I’ll deplete my calcium stores, but not so. Almond milk actually has MORE calcium than cow’s milk along with vitamin D that allows the body to absorb the mineral. It also has 50% of the RDA of vitamin E, of which cow’s milk has none. But that’s all technical vitaminy stuff. It wouldn’t matter if the milk itself didn’t taste so dang good.

The American breakfast

I love cereal. We have our standard favorites as a family, but I also like to get a box of something new when we shop. I recently saw, perched up on the top shelf at Wal-Mart, boxes of  Uncle Sam.

What the heck? Was this a Tea Party product? I know Utah is conservative, but come on. And what kind of nut sings “The Stars and Stripes” for breakfast?

Well, I might.

So I promptly snagged a box and read that it’s been around since 1908, thus making it politically neutral. Then I read the ingredients. It’s a simple cereal made of wheat berries that are steamed, rolled, and toasted to provide killer whole grain nutrition. Those wheat flakes are then mixed with flax seeds (omega 3’s anyone?). That’s it.

I purchased a box, felt patriotic, and then gave it a try when we got home. I’ve been buying it regularly ever since. It’s slammed with 10 grams of fiber and 7 grams of protein, and goes great with Silk’s vanilla almond milk and a piece of fruit.

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  • Good Stuff! Two movies, a book, and a shovel

    ByJohn Brown

    We’re going to start with the shovel because it’s been dumping snow this year, and I know there are some folks out there who want a quicker way to clear the snow from their driveways and walks. And, boy, do I have something for them.

    I think it’s safe to say that the Brown family clears more snow by hand than the average American family. We have a driveway and street that together are a little over a tenth of a mile long. Here’s a picture.

    We clear that lovely stretch of road by hand with shovels. (Yes, we are crazy; more on that below.) Most of the time we have it cleared long before any city plow shows up. But we love our city plows because they can do the heavy work at the edges on the bottom two-thirds. And they do all the work on that bottom part when it gets really heavy and deep. We love our neighbors with tractors who’ve come to our rescue as well.

    Still, we do most of the clearing.

    We began our mad shoveling craze for one simple reason: we couldn’t get to our house when it snowed. And it was a pain in the neck to hike that tenth of a mile.

    Part of the problem is that we live on a hill, and there are a couple of steep stretches. Another part of the problem was that we had not availed ourselves of this higher technology called snow tires. We thought all-weather tires would do just as fine.

    Wrong. Big wrong. They don’t even come close.

    With all-weathers, on a hill, you have to keep the road clear. As in to the blacktop. Because once you build up even a small layer of snow, you’ll get slick patches, and then the all-weathers do nothing but spin.

    But we didn’t discover that until a few years into it. And by that time, we’d learned that shoveling such a long drive was not only good exercise, but it also was a great way to teach our four girls how to work hard and not fear projects that seemed daunting.

    I know some of you are thinking, dude, why not purchase a snow blower, or a pickup or four-wheeler with a plow?

    Because snow blowers at the time, much less four wheelers and pickups, were out of our budget. Because I’d much rather spend the money on a family trip somewhere fun. Because why spend the money when you can line up as a family and create your own Brown Family Snow Blade and give your kids stories to tell their kids about living in the Gulag?

    Anyway, it’s what we do. Fast forward now to this year. Three of our daughters have grown up and gone off to college. Nellie, my youngest daughter, and I can usually still get it done. But this year’s record snows kicked our butts. Royally.

    Now, we’ve tried all sorts of shovels. I can guarantee, if it was at a store for sale, we’ve tried it. We’ve used brooms. We’ve used all sorts of configurations of girl, woman, and dad power. After all that experimentation, we found a standard push shovel to be the best for general snow and a square garden shovel to be the ticket for ice. But this year our trusty tools weren’t cutting it.

    So, after one long day on the driveway, I went on line looking for a better shovel. And after looking at quite several contraptions, I found The Snowcaster.

    You can see it in action below. It’s basically a plow. One made for a human to push.

    When I saw it, I thought this thing had to be better than pushing shovels. So I ordered it and assembled it. The curved blade of incredibly hard plastic rises 9 inches above the ground and is three feet long. Its nifty design allows you to simply flip it to change the direction of the blade.

    After using it these last six weeks on multiple snows of everything from ten inches of powder to three inches of watery slush, I will simply say that it’s amazing. It’s so good, I ordered a second unit.

    The Snowcaster does have a limit—you’re not going to plow three-feet of snow with it. You’re not going to plow a build-up of two feet. If you’ve got a lot of wet snow over a large area, you will break a sweat. And sometimes you’ll still need a shovel to toss snow at the edges. But for moving large quantities of snow out of the way on asphalt or concrete, it’s the best thing I’ve found to date.

    If you are like me and don’t want to purchase a machine just yet, have snow to move, and want to dramatically reduce the time it takes to move it while providing some fun for the kids, I think you’ll love The Snowcaster. I ordered mine directly from the company here: https://thesnowcaster.com/. The model I chose was the 70SNC. I wouldn’t suggest the long model unless you rarely get snows above three inches. I say this because on some days with lots of snow the three-footer was about all I could push.

    Okay, onto the movies. I have two excellent ones to recommend. Both of which are based on true-life events.

    The first is Denial, a British-American historical drama, that tells the story of how Deborah Lipstadt, a holocaust scholar, was taken to court for libel in Britain by David Irving, a man who claims the Holocaust never happened. In America, you’re always innocent until proven guilty. However, in Britain, with libel, the burden of proof is upon the defendant. So how do you prove you weren’t slandering someone? The movie was thrilling and fascinating. And gave you something to think about afterwards. If you enjoyed Woman in Gold, you’ll enjoy this.

    The next is Hidden Figures, an American biographical drama, that tells the story of female African-American mathematicians at NASA. These women were employed as computers—that was their official job title. Of course, this was before electrical computers and calculators, and what they did amazes me. The story is about the USA struggling to catch up to the Russians in the space race, and how four of these women helped while dealing with deep-seated prejudice against Blacks and females. It is full of humor, poignant moments, and surprises. It’s one of the best films I’ve seen these last few years. I don’t know what to compare it to. All I know is that you will laugh, be amazed, become outraged, and cheer.

    Lt. General Michael T. Flynn. Flynn is a former director of the Defense Intelligence Agency and Assistant Director of National Intelligence and is now our National Security Advisor. If you want to understand how he is likely to advise the president about our war against radical Islam, let me recommend his book The Field of Fight. In the book, Flynn describes his background as an intelligence officer and how critical good intelligence is in this fight. He then describes his take on who the radical Islamist enemy is and how he thinks we can win the war against them. He shares several surprising insights that only someone with his experience can and reveals as well how good and smart leaders can disagree about strategy. One of his main points is that we will never win the war by killing bodies—this is an ideological war, much like the war we fought against communism. For those wanting to get past news blurbs and hear the man speak for himself at length, I think you’ll find this book interesting.

    And because, Dear Reader, you read all the way to the end, I will give you two more movie recommendations. Moana is a great, fun, family film. La La Land is an enjoyable musical romance that will probably break your heart. It did mine.

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  • Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover & Brown Cow Yogurt

    ByJohn Brown

    Wear some financial underpants

    I graduated from BYU with a Master’s degree in accounting. BYU’s accounting program is regularly ranked as one of the top three schools in the nation.

    Whoa. Go, John. I ought to be some kind of financial superstar, right? You’d think I would have come out of that program with all my crap put together, living within my means, investing wisely, making a bundle of moo-lah. I’d have a tidy stash.

    Yeah, nope.

    That program taught me how to account for money, but not how to use it. Or maybe I was just too dumb to get it. We came rolling out of school with thousands of dollars of debt. So instead of graduating and building our wealth, we worked to pay off the man.

    Dumb, dumb, dumb.

    I can tell you right now my daughters aren’t going to do the same. They will pay as they go. I’m not co-signing any loans. They’re not going to use credit cards. If it takes them a few years longer to graduate, then it takes them a few years longer.

    But they’ll be free when they finish. No shackles for my girls.

    I always thought it was a good idea not to send them out into the world without underpants. Or knowing how to brush their teeth. It’s equally important I don’t send them out there not knowing how to build wealth and reap all the security and peace that comes with it.

    This is why every child of mine is going to get a copy of Dave Ramsey’s The Total Money Makeover. It’s a goofy title, but the principles in it are sound. I can’t tell you how much I wished I’d known and followed the steps he outlines there on how to build wealth when I was just starting out.

    1. Save $1,000 in an emergency fund
    2. Pay off all your debt except the mortgage using the debt snowball (and don’t go into debt)
    3. Complete your emergency fund by saving three to six months’ expenses
    4. Maximize retirement investing
    5. Save for your kids’ college
    6. Pay off the home mortgage early
    7. Build wealth and give like crazy
    8. Live like no one else

    The book starts out by talking about the debt myth, i.e. debt is a great tool and should be used to create prosperity. Sometimes a little debt can be helpful. But in the vast majority of cases “debt adds considerable risk, most often doesn’t bring prosperity, and isn’t used by wealthy people nearly as much as we are led to believe.” Ramsey goes on to say, “Your largest wealth-building asset is your income. When you tie up your income, you lose. When you invest your income, you become wealthy and can do anything you want.  How much could you give every month, save every month, and spend every month if you had no payments? Your income is your greatest wealth-building tool, not debt. Your Total Money Makeover begins with a permanently changed view of the Debt Myths.”

    After tackling debt, Ramsey outlines other money myths and wealth-destroying attitudes and then explains each of the principles of the steps outlined above.

    I love this book so much it’s part of my gift package to every couple that invites me to their wedding reception. I hope those new couples follow his recommendations. It will bring them peace. If you want to give your children the gift of financial peace, if you want that peace yourself, I recommend you buy this book today and start following those baby steps. You can get the book for a mere $10 bucks at his website http://www.daveramsey.com.

    While you’re waiting for it to come, you might want to go over to Larry Correia’s site (another accountant and fiction author), and read his hilarious comments on some real folks who actually were sent out without any financial underwear: http://tinyurl.com/3zx9tbo.

    Thick and Creamy

    I love thick, creamy yogurt.

    Mix it with some raisins or fresh fruit, and I’m in heaven.

    The problem is that most of the yogurt on the shelves today is weird Splenda- or NutraSweet-filled crap. Or it’s full of sugar. And none of it has that thick mouth feel.

    I had some great yogurt up in Oregon a few years ago, but could never find anything like it here. Then a little while ago I hit the jackpot.

    Hello, Brown Cow Greek Yogurt.

    Thick. Oh, baby is it thick. Creamy. And full of goodness: 23 grams of protein, 9 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fat, and active cultures of more of our belly friends than any other yogurt I’ve found—give a big welcome to S. Thermophilus, L. Bulgaricus, L. Acidophilus, Bifidus, and L. Casei.

    I get the plain style. This allows me to mix it to my taste with fruit, granola, or a little bit of sugar or honey.

    If you’ve been looking for some good yogurt, let me recommend Brown Cow.

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  • Pew Study on American Reading Habits

    ByJohn Brown

    Pew Research Center just published the results of a national study surveying reader habits. It answers questions like:

    • Do folks read ebooks more often on cell phones, e-readers, or computers?
    • How many books does each age group read per year?
    • How do readers under 30 discover books to read? 

    Lots of great stuff. You can read the full survey here: http://libraries.pewinternet.org/2012/10/23/younger-americans-reading-and-library-habits/

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  • Good Eating in Rock Springs and Laramie, Wyoming

    ByJohn Brown

    A few weeks ago, I had to travel to Denver for business.  I elected to drive instead of fly. The weather was glorious, and I had a book on tape—what could be better?  Driving also allowed me to stop into Rock Springs and Laramie and few other spots to do some research for the novel I’m writing.  And while I was tooling around, I found two excellent places to eat.

    The first was in Rock Springs.  It’s about five minutes off the freeway, tucked in the downtown area, which means it’s a place locals visit. It’s called Broadway Burger Station.  I walked in, past the tables, and took a swivel seat at the counter. The menu listed sandwiches and soup, but I suspect it’s the burgers most people go for.  These are BIG burgers—1/3 to ½ pound of ground beef.  I almost asked for a kid’s meal.  Not only because the portion was smaller but because they serve the kids meals in a cardboard hot rod car!  How cool is that?

    But I went with the basic burger instead. All their burgers come with lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, and their special sauce. You can also add other things including mushrooms, avocado sauce, bacon, cheese, chili, egg, ham, jalapenos, and pastrami.  I went with the sautéed mushrooms. Then the very nice server tempted me with a hand-dipped malt, and I said yes because I was only thinking of all of you at the time, wanting to provide a complete and honest review.

    The place was hopping the whole time I was there, and rightly so. The server brought out my burger, fries, and malt, and, man oh man–the burger with tomato and mushrooms was succulent!  The fries were hot and delicious.  And the malt was made with hard ice cream right before my very eyes.  What’s more, I could have easily shared my meal with Nellie, which means we could have both eaten for a total of ten bucks. Great food, super-friendly service, and reasonable prices. If you’re ever passing through Rock Springs and need a place to chow, go to the Broadway Burger Station on 628 Broadway Street, (307) 362-5858.

    On my way back I stopped in Laramie and found a McAlister’s Deli in the shopping strip at 2317 Grand Avenue, (307) 745-3760. This is not the type of deli that you walk into and gag because of the weird meat smells. It’s a soup and sandwich shop. And it’s apparently been doing well. I’d never seen a McAlister’s before, but found out it’s a chain that’s in twenty-two states in the Midwest and South. And Wyoming is currently as far west as you can find one.

    They serve hot sandwiches, including one called The New Yorker (corned beef, pastrami, and swiss) and another called The Big Nasty (1/3 pound beef on a baguette).  They have classic sandwiches, grilled sandwiches, and clubs.  I ordered the Cobb Club with turkey, applewood smoked bacon, gorgonzola cheese, avocado, lettuce, tomato, and a light Parmesan Peppercorn sauce served on ciabatta bread. I also ordered a cup of their vegetable soup and a piece of Colossal Carrot Cake.

    Dude, it was all delicious. Lovely. And in Laramie of all places. Laramie! All these years I never thought to stop because the town looked so unassuming.  Laramie was just that place where Cowboy fans enjoyed hollering and throwing beer bottles at my favorite football team from the neighboring state.  Of course, I did cut them some slack—I mean, what else can you do when your team gets dominated year after year?  Sing Kumbaya? 

    They’re a’running again, Kumbaya . . .

    Just a’stomping us, Lord, Kumbaya . . .

    Freezing misery, Lord, Kumbaya. Oh, Lord, Kumbaya . . .

    Right.  Now I see I’ve misjudged them.  Maybe their football program has been in the doldrums the last few years, but Laramie isn’t a pass-through town.  Next time I’m rolling by on I-80, I’m going to stop again and see what other gems the good folks there have to offer. If you’re in the area, and you love places like Jason’s Deli and Kneaders, stop at McAlister’s Deli. Then take some time to visit the lovely St. Matthew’s cathedral on 3rd street. You can’t miss it: it’s the one with the red doors.

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  • Donald Rumsfeld, The King’s Speech, Aquatic Ancestor Apes & Talking Bacteria

    ByJohn Brown

    Donald Rumsfeld

    I just finished Known and Unknown, a fat memoir by Donald Rumsfeld, and enjoyed every page.  Rumsfeld served as the Secretary of Defense under George W. Bush.  But Rumsfeld’s service didn’t start there. He was a Navy pilot, an assistant to a congressman during the Eisenhower days, and, in the early 60’s, a four-term congressman from Illinois.  He held various positions in the Nixon White House in the late 60’s and early 70’s, including ambassador to NATO.  He was Chief of Staff and Secretary of Defense when Ford took over from Nixon.  Reagan tapped him to be a special envoy to both the Middle East after the Beirut bombing and to the Law of the Sea treaty discussions.  He was the president of Searle, a pharmaceutical, as well as General Instrument, the company that pioneered HDTV.  Only after all that, did George W. Bush bring him on as Secretary of Defense.

    When writing novels, I try to create characters worth knowing, either because of their interesting personality or skills or because of the events they take part in. Donald Rumsfeld is just such a character, except he’s no fiction.

    In his memoir he shares insider information on everything from Watergate to 9/11 to the war in Iraq. What emerges is a fascinating look into many of the most important events in the last forty years.  You’ll get insight into some of the issues experienced in various White House administrations and see what really was going on with waterboarding, Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, hurricane Katrina and many other of the hot button issues in the Bush years. There are some laugh out loud moments where his understated humor shines through. There are also parts where he reveals some of his differences with others that worked with him in the various administrations, including issues with Nelson Rockerfeller, Colin Powell and Andy Card. But in everything he writes he’s fair and restrained and attempts to present the facts accurately. This is no attempt to settle scores.  Just a wonderful read.

    If you are interested in politics at all, I think you’ll enjoy this book. Moreover, I think you’ll come out a little wiser, maybe a little better person, for having spent a few hours with Donald Rumsfeld.  

    The King’s Speech

    I do not watch many r-rated movies.  They are usually too vulgar or pornographic for my prissy tastes. However, I did my research on The King’s Speech, and having heard so many glowing reviews, Nellie and I rented it.

    It was wonderful.

    The movie tells the story of prince Albert Frederick Arthur George of Britain who did not ever expect to inherit the throne and did not want to, in part because of his stammer. Can you imagine having to be a public figure like a king and have to deal with something like that? Most of us dread the thought of public speaking. Can you imagine having to try with a stammer?

    But Albert’s lot was not to live the sheltered life. He became king when his brother abdicated the throne because of improprieties in his personal life. The day before the abdication, Albert went to London to see his mother, Queen Mary. He wrote in his diary, “When I told her what had happened, I broke down and sobbed like a child.” That is not the entry of a power-hungry man.

    He assumed the throne in 1936, when England ruled over almost a quarter of the world’s population. Three years later in 1939 WW2 broke out and Britain’s king needed to be able to address the people.

    In the movie, Colin Firth plays Price Albert. Geoffery Rush (Captain Barbossa in Pirates of the Caribbean) plays Lionel Logue, the unorthodox Australian speech therapist to whom Albert’s wife turns for help. The script is wonderful and the star-studded cast is spot on. There are moments of humor and poignancy and triumph. I was caught up in this movie as much as any I’ve seen.

    If you like English dramas, you’ll enjoy this one. And the profanity, the reason for the r-rating, is not there to depict casual vulgarity. It was part of a technique used by the therapist. In the end, you’ll overlook it and find yourself on pins and needles, rooting for this fine man.

    Aquatic Ancestor Apes & Talking Bacteria

    I’ve written about TED before. The annual TED (technology, entertainment, design) conferences, in Long Beach/Palm Springs and Edinburgh, bring together the world’s most fascinating thinkers and doers, who are challenged to give the talk of their lives (in 18 minutes or less). The folks at TED record these speeches and put them up for free on their site for the rest of us to watch. And I just watched two dandies.

    The first is by Elaine Morgan who says we evolved from aquatic apes (sigh, just when you think you’ve found grandpa Eddy hanging out in the trees, you learn he’s an imposter). Morgan is a Welsh writer for television and also the author of several books on evolutionary anthropology. In the speech she describes the reasons why it makes sense that humans had aquatic ancestors. Along the way, she illustrates key principles of science, including why science by consensus is no science at all. Her manner is so delightful and engaging I think I could listen to her for hours, preferably around the dinner table. Watch her right now. She just might convince you.

    The second speech was given by Bonnie Bassler, an American molecular biologist, who has been part of the team that discovered key insights into how bacteria talk. It appears that bacteria do not invade a host and start doing damage. No, they wait until their numbers are sufficient that they have a chance of surviving. They coordinate defense and mount attacks as a group. Who would have thought? Knowing how this works is not only interesting all by itself, but it has stunning implications for medicine and fighting infection. Bassler is a fascinating and enthusiastic presenter. Among other things, you’ll end up seeing that humans are more bacteria than you could imagine. Watch her.

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  • Good Stuff! Brown Bananas, Peerless, and Cinderella

    ByJohn Brown

    BrownBanansI’ve solved the banana bane.

    The banana bane is this. You buy bananas, and the next day they’ve got freckles. Nobody likes freckled bananas, so everyone leaves them on the counter, thinking that someone else in the family must be a freckled banana fan. But nobody is a freckled banana fan, which means a few days after that, they’re brown. Then black. Then you toss them into the garbage and go to the store and start it all over.

    I’m going to tell you how to stop the madness. I’m going to tell you what you do with brown bananas. The Brown family discovered this last week. (Yes, the Brown family discovered the solution to brown bananas, strange, isn’t it…)

    I know some of you are thinking, oh, banana bread.

    Are you kidding? Banana bread is cake in bread form. It’s nice once in a while. But who wants to make four loaves of cake every week and gain five million pounds?

    I’m not talking about a sumo weight-gain program that involves cake.

    And I’m not talking about taking them over to Joan and Cardon Willis’s place and feeding them to their pigs. They have a very nice sow who, Joan reports, loves bananas. The sow’s little piglets do whatever she does. She scratches her bum on a post; they scratch their bums. She grunts; they grunt. So I assume since mumma loves bananas, the little piggies love bananas too. But I’m not talking about turning your bananas into someone else’s bacon.

    No.

    I’m talking about extending their useful life by days.

    I’m talking about consuming them yourself.

    I’m talking about making something delicious, sweet, and healthy with them.

    What is this magnificent discovery?

    Smoothies.

    With brown bananas.

    What?

    Yes. Look, we were out of fruit. We had milk, freckled bananas sliding towards completely toasty tan, and a little bit of chocolate powder. We were desperate.

    Desperate people try desperate things. Some do not work out. Like the one time I tried asparagus in eggs. Think green sticks for breakfast. But sometimes they do.

    Case in point: John’s Chocolate Banana Whip.

    • 1 brown or freckled banana
    • 1 cup of milk (use almond milk if you don’t like the cow variety)
    • 1 tablespoon Nesquick (no, you don’t need the 3 tablespoons they recommend)

    Throw it all in the blender and frappe until smooth.

    It’s heaven. Especially good after a nice hike-jog in the middle of the day.

    BTW, frappe is one of those words that makes you think I know what I’m talking about. Can you feel my chef aura radiating off the page?

    But Nesquick, John. That’s so white-trash unhealthy.

    Fine, you don’t want the added sugar? No problem. Try this one.

    Ellianna’s Strawberry Surprise

    • 1 brown or freckled banana
    • 1 cup of milk
    • 1 cup frozen strawberries

    Frappe until you’re happy.

    You can do this with frozen blueberries. You can add Greek yogurt–and let me tell you the Great Value plain Greek yogurt made with whole milk is delicious. You can add more fruit. Less fruit. Add ice. Whatever you like.

    The bottom line is that brown bananas are delicious in smoothies. And they should be—bananas are at their sweetest when they’re brown.

    It’s summer. It’s hot. Time for smoothies with sweet brown bananas.

    *****

    I like a clean van. But I live in the country, and I don’t have a pickup. This means the minivan has to haul stuff. It’s hauled hay, plants, dirt, kids—you name it.

    We vacuum, but there are things a vacuum can’t touch. And if we want our van carpet and upholstery shampooed, we have to drive an hour to Logan, then leave the car at the shop for a full day.

    A full day.

    They want you to drop it off in the morning, pick it up in the afternoon. So what am I  going to do all day? Bring my bicycle and ride around with Brent, the happy dude with horns and flags on his bike that pedals up and down main street, waving to everyone?

    Needless to say, shampooing was infrequent.

    But then one day a few weeks ago I was talking to Patrick Floyd in Laketown. I was actually talking to him in Suzanne Siddoway’s basement.

    What were two men doing in her basement?

    We were doing what many men do in her basement…

    We were sitting around waiting for her to cut our hair. What else would men be doing in her basement? (You know, it’s Quin’s basement too.)

    And Patrick said that he’d started a new business called Peerless Detailing. He was trained and had the equipment to detail boats, cars, vehicles of all kinds.

    I said, “Do you do just a shampoo?”

    “Whatever you need,” he said.

    I said, “Duuuude!”

    You have to read that with kind of a hope, like a thirsty man seeing an ice cream truck in the middle of the Serengeti.

    He said, “Yeah.”

    I said, “Man.”

    He said, “Yup.”

    I said, “Alright.”

    After that scintillating conversation, I took my van over. Patrick of Peerless did verily clean that carpet and upholstery. And he did it for less money than it would have cost me in Logan! And in less time!

    I got back a new van. It smelled great. Looked great. I felt like rolling around on the carpet in joy, but refrained. Instead, I drove home, and everyone in the house rejoiced. We drove around a little, just to celebrate.

    A week later, we had to haul more crap. I took the seats out. I put them in the garage. This was a dumb thing to do. I’d learned long ago to put them in the house. See, we leave our garage door cracked so our mouse control service can get in and out, the mouse control consisting of five cats.

    Sometimes, other cats figure they can help themselves to whatever’s in the garage. Some of those cats are stray toms. And because I don’t mark my territory with my own scent, which I’m sure would put the fear of whatever cat god is out there into them, they think they can muscle in. Feel like they can claim the place for their own.

    And so they spray.

    I’ve been meaning to get a gun. A paintball gun, if nothing else. I figure a few stings with a paintball ought to learn the dogs and cats and deer. It’s my theory, and I’m going to test it one of these days. So if you one day see various animals walking around with polka dots, you know what’s going on. Anyway, I don’t have a gun, and I’m not going to go around and mark the perimeter of my yard. You know how much water I’d have to drink!

    So this cat came in and sprayed.

    He sprayed one of my newly cleaned captain chairs!

    (Anyone who wants to practice their marksmanship on live targets, just let me know.)

    So what do you do? Well, I’ll tell you this: we didn’t have to set the seat on fire. No. We just called Patrick.

    Patrick did his magic and removed the offending blankity-blank cat spray. And the seat was as good as new.

    Can I tell you how happy I am we now have someone doing this in Laketown?

    I’m ecstatic. I plan to take my vehicles in once or twice a year. Why not?

    If you need your boat or car or van detailed, I think you’ll be pleased with Peerless. You can call Patrick at (435) 535-1493 and set up an appointment. I think he’s mobile to boot and can to it at your residence.

    *****

    Cinderella2015Okay, movie time. I have four daughters. They all wanted to see Cinderella.

    Except, what new thing can you do with Cinderella?

    I mean, how many different ways can you see her leave a glass slipper behind and still reel in shock at the story turn?

    Well, how many Bond movies do we see that follow the same darned plot? And we still love them. It’s very often the details that make the difference. And this new Disney version of Cinderella with live actors included a number of wonderful details.

    Like how Cinderella got in this fix in the first place. And how her position in the household devolves.

    And what’s motivating the stepmother, who is played wonderfully by Cate Blanchette.

    And the relationship between the king and prince, and Cinderella and her father.

    And a little bit of wisdom.

    I enjoyed this film. I think the key thing that lifts this above many remakes is the insight it gives into the key characters and relationships. And the many small surprises along the way.

    If you have daughters, this is a no-brainer for a date. If you liked the original Cinderella, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by this version. If you like romances, this is a classic. Furthermore, you’ll go away with a little something to think and talk about. I gave it a try; I was glad I did.

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2 Comments

  1. I love your food posts! I’m a huge cereal lover myself. Sometimes I eat it for dinner. And lunch. Yeah, I’m that crazy. My favorite source of fiber these days is Bran Buds. 13 grams of fiber in 1/3 of a cup! I’ll have to give Uncle Sam a try. I’m also a huge milk fan. I used to drink it like water until I realied I was dehydrated. Not sure if I can go for the almond milk. I’ve never really liked nuts. But maybe I’ll give it a shot.

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