Earth: the biography, Planter’s Nuts at Sam’s, “The Professor of War”

Earth: The Biography is one of the most interesting documentary series I’ve seen in a long time. It’s produced by National Geographic and the BCC. Dr. Ian Stewart, a Scotsman, hosts the program and tells the life story of our planet, how it works, and what makes it so special.

There are five parts: “Volcano,” “Atmosphere,” “Ice,” “Oceans,” and “Rare Earth.” And while they were all good, the last two blew me away.

For example, I always thought the polar ice caps were a big waste of water. What do they do besides torment penguins and Eskimos?

But the program reveals that the ice caps are critical to all life everywhere on the planet because they power the great ocean conveyer. This conveyer is a slow current that carries surface water away from the equator up to the polar caps then down to the sea floor and back—transporting oxygen, nutrients, and warmth all around the globe.

We can see how critical the ocean conveyer is when it stops. There was a time when this happened. With no replenishment of oxygen, the water turned to poison. The poison was picked up in the clouds and rained down upon the land. And almost every living thing on the planet died a toxic death.

Sniff, sniff–we love you, Polar Ice Caps.

“Oceans” was fascinating, but “Rare Earth” was the kicker. How common is our cozy little situation here on earth?

Well, for life to exist as we know it, we needed to be a certain narrow distance from the center of the galaxy, orbit a certain, less common type of star, be within a certain range of that star, have a big old fat vacuum like Jupiter hanging out in the wings sucking up asteroids and comets so they don’t hit us instead, have an orbiting moon of a certain size, an earth core with just the right amount of iron, a tilt to the earth that would allow polar ice caps, water, an atmosphere to protect us from all sorts of celestial mayhem. Heck, we even had to have that nasty mass extinction caused by the broken ocean conveyer. And there’s more.

So many rare events had to line up just right, that it’s bound to make the atheists among us celebrate their good fortune with illegal-Wyoming-firework abandon and the believers to rise up from their chairs and shout, “Hallelujah and Amen!”

Nellie, the girls, and I all loved this show.

***

I’m a nut man. Love nuts. Hazelnuts, walnuts, Brazil nuts, pistachio nuts, cashews, pecans. But nuts are expensive. And while peanuts are lovely, I like some variety and grow weary of the mixes where you get about five thousand peanuts and one burnt almond. So when I saw the forty ounce jars of Planter’s Deluxe Nuts (sea salt, NO peanuts) at Sam’s Club in Logan, Utah selling for a mere $10.98, I just about fainted away and died.

Eleven bucks?!

For comparison, please note that a little ten ounce jar of the exact same nuts costs six dollars in the grocery store. Four times the nuts for less than double the price!

The nuts are good. More importantly, they’re a regular item at Sam’s. So with all the reports coming out about how good nuts are for you, reduce heart disease, reduce diabetes, blah, blah, blah, fight aliens, I can now afford to eat them and hopefully extend my stay as a carbon-based life form.

***

General David Petraeus has revolutionized the way America wages war. It was his strategy that turned the war in Iraq around. It’s his strategy that’s being used in Afghanistan. And it will be his methods that will inform how our soldiers face enemies in years to come.

The key to his thinking is realizing that there are two different terrains that must be won in the types of war we wage now—the geographic and the human. You know what geography is—take that hill, secure that town, remove the threats from that jungle. The human terrain, on the other hand, is made up of the hearts and minds of the people at the site of the struggle and has proven to be equally important.

It’s important because the wars we’re most likely to engage in now are not ones where two big armies square off and blast away. Anyone who tries to stand up to the United States using that method is going to very quickly learn what it means to get stomped, shredded, and served to the dogs. So most of the battles are likely to be engagements in unconventional war, where the enemy hides, and where the local populace will make or break the effort.

In May 2010, Vanity Fair magazine published a fascinating article called “The Professor of War” by Mark Bowden. It summarizes Petraeus’s history, the source of his thinking, and the kind of man he is. With so much at stake, I was grateful to get this well-written glimpse into the general and his approach to war.

While you’re at the site, you might want to also read another Vanity Fair article titled “General McChrystal’s Three Biggest Strategic Errors in Dealing With Rolling Stone” by Bill Bradley, published June, 2010. McChrystal was Petraeus’s right hand man. The contrast between the two men is enlightening.

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  • Good Stuff! Grandpa O’s Stories

    There are a boatload of characters that live in Rich County, Utah.

    One of them is Gary Ogilvie.

    If you were to see him at church or waiting in line for a raspberry shake at one of the fast food joints by Bear Lake, you’d just see a pleasant, mild-mannered gentleman.

    But Gary has quite the past.

    He’s been a police officer down on the Wasatch Front, a sheriff in Rich County, a Utah highway patrol officer, an internal affairs investigator for the Utah Department of Corrections, and an adult probation and parole supervisor. And a miner and many other things.

    And, boy, does he have some stories.

    Most with him wearing the badge, but others when he wasn’t wearing the badge. For example, Gary was himself hauled in by the cops when he was a teen.

    Gary wrote many of his stories down in a journal, and I had the privilege of reading them one day a year or two ago. They were fabulous. Some were funny, some shocking, some poignant.

    The good news for you is that Gary has recorded a number of them on YouTube. He did this for his  grandkids, but you and I get to benefit.

    If you enjoy real life cop stories, many with a humorous twist, and good-humored narrators, then you’re going to love listening to Grandpa O’s Stories over on YouTube.

    In fact, I don’t think you’ll be able to listen to just one.

    My bet is you’ll want to hear the next and the next.

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  • I Am Not A Serial Killer by Dan Wells

    IAmNotASerialKillerYou can scare the crap out of me (Aracnaphobia), and I will love you forever. You can make me bite my nails in terrible suspense (Wait Until Dark, The Village) or throw supernatural at me (Poltergeist) and I will sing with praise. But the moment you do gruesome, the moment you start showing me entrails and organs, my discomfort level shoots through the roof.

    And this is why I would not have finished  I Am Not A Serial Killer by Dan Well’s if I had just picked it up off a shelf–because the main character is the son of a woman who owns a mortuary. We get to see him help process a mutilated body very early in the book, pumping fluids in etc., and Wells knows his craft so I was THERE. I’m sure it’s not too gruesome for some, but I just have issues with organs. I don’t know why. I also have an issue with clowns.

    Clowns are, by far, the scariest things around. And this is not because I read the book IT by Stephen King as a wee lad because I didn’t. It’s because they’re painted vessels of evil. End of story. They’re perfect examples of the freakazoids that lurk in the uncanny valley.

    Anyway, I’d heard Wells read a portion of this book that had all of us in the room crying because we were laughing so hard. So I read on, telling myself I had to at least get to that part. And I am so very happy I did. 

    I Am Not A Serial Killer is young adult story about a good-hearted teen named John Cleaver who is a sociopath with all the traits shared by serial killers. John’s in counseling, but more importantly, he is convinced he can prevent himself from becoming a serial killer by keeping rules he’s made for himself like not watching people for too long and complimenting someone when they make him angry. Such rules, he hopes, will keep him from feeding compulsions he won’t be able to resist.  The problem is a real serial killer has come to town (but unlike any you’ve seen before). And John may be the only one who can stop him. Will he let go of his rules to save the town? Or will he keep his monster asleep while others die around him?

    It’s a fascinating situation (without a clown in sight, may the writing gods be praised). And Wells takes the reader on a journey through it that includes mystery, dread, and humor. In the hands of some other author, that would be enough. But Wells does more than entertain us. He gives us things to think about. He gives us great characters to boot–come on, when was the last time you read a book where the hero was a likeable sociopath? And most of the gruesome is up front anyway.

    Read this book. Skim the body processing if you must. But you simply don’t want to miss the rest. It was a fabulous read and I recommend it highly.

    The US version comes out in March of 2010. But you can get the UK version now on Amazon UK, Borders UK, etc. The links are all here on Well’s site.

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  • Good Stuff! Brown Bananas, Peerless, and Cinderella

    BrownBanansI’ve solved the banana bane.

    The banana bane is this. You buy bananas, and the next day they’ve got freckles. Nobody likes freckled bananas, so everyone leaves them on the counter, thinking that someone else in the family must be a freckled banana fan. But nobody is a freckled banana fan, which means a few days after that, they’re brown. Then black. Then you toss them into the garbage and go to the store and start it all over.

    I’m going to tell you how to stop the madness. I’m going to tell you what you do with brown bananas. The Brown family discovered this last week. (Yes, the Brown family discovered the solution to brown bananas, strange, isn’t it…)

    I know some of you are thinking, oh, banana bread.

    Are you kidding? Banana bread is cake in bread form. It’s nice once in a while. But who wants to make four loaves of cake every week and gain five million pounds?

    I’m not talking about a sumo weight-gain program that involves cake.

    And I’m not talking about taking them over to Joan and Cardon Willis’s place and feeding them to their pigs. They have a very nice sow who, Joan reports, loves bananas. The sow’s little piglets do whatever she does. She scratches her bum on a post; they scratch their bums. She grunts; they grunt. So I assume since mumma loves bananas, the little piggies love bananas too. But I’m not talking about turning your bananas into someone else’s bacon.

    No.

    I’m talking about extending their useful life by days.

    I’m talking about consuming them yourself.

    I’m talking about making something delicious, sweet, and healthy with them.

    What is this magnificent discovery?

    Smoothies.

    With brown bananas.

    What?

    Yes. Look, we were out of fruit. We had milk, freckled bananas sliding towards completely toasty tan, and a little bit of chocolate powder. We were desperate.

    Desperate people try desperate things. Some do not work out. Like the one time I tried asparagus in eggs. Think green sticks for breakfast. But sometimes they do.

    Case in point: John’s Chocolate Banana Whip.

    • 1 brown or freckled banana
    • 1 cup of milk (use almond milk if you don’t like the cow variety)
    • 1 tablespoon Nesquick (no, you don’t need the 3 tablespoons they recommend)

    Throw it all in the blender and frappe until smooth.

    It’s heaven. Especially good after a nice hike-jog in the middle of the day.

    BTW, frappe is one of those words that makes you think I know what I’m talking about. Can you feel my chef aura radiating off the page?

    But Nesquick, John. That’s so white-trash unhealthy.

    Fine, you don’t want the added sugar? No problem. Try this one.

    Ellianna’s Strawberry Surprise

    • 1 brown or freckled banana
    • 1 cup of milk
    • 1 cup frozen strawberries

    Frappe until you’re happy.

    You can do this with frozen blueberries. You can add Greek yogurt–and let me tell you the Great Value plain Greek yogurt made with whole milk is delicious. You can add more fruit. Less fruit. Add ice. Whatever you like.

    The bottom line is that brown bananas are delicious in smoothies. And they should be—bananas are at their sweetest when they’re brown.

    It’s summer. It’s hot. Time for smoothies with sweet brown bananas.

    *****

    I like a clean van. But I live in the country, and I don’t have a pickup. This means the minivan has to haul stuff. It’s hauled hay, plants, dirt, kids—you name it.

    We vacuum, but there are things a vacuum can’t touch. And if we want our van carpet and upholstery shampooed, we have to drive an hour to Logan, then leave the car at the shop for a full day.

    A full day.

    They want you to drop it off in the morning, pick it up in the afternoon. So what am I  going to do all day? Bring my bicycle and ride around with Brent, the happy dude with horns and flags on his bike that pedals up and down main street, waving to everyone?

    Needless to say, shampooing was infrequent.

    But then one day a few weeks ago I was talking to Patrick Floyd in Laketown. I was actually talking to him in Suzanne Siddoway’s basement.

    What were two men doing in her basement?

    We were doing what many men do in her basement…

    We were sitting around waiting for her to cut our hair. What else would men be doing in her basement? (You know, it’s Quin’s basement too.)

    And Patrick said that he’d started a new business called Peerless Detailing. He was trained and had the equipment to detail boats, cars, vehicles of all kinds.

    I said, “Do you do just a shampoo?”

    “Whatever you need,” he said.

    I said, “Duuuude!”

    You have to read that with kind of a hope, like a thirsty man seeing an ice cream truck in the middle of the Serengeti.

    He said, “Yeah.”

    I said, “Man.”

    He said, “Yup.”

    I said, “Alright.”

    After that scintillating conversation, I took my van over. Patrick of Peerless did verily clean that carpet and upholstery. And he did it for less money than it would have cost me in Logan! And in less time!

    I got back a new van. It smelled great. Looked great. I felt like rolling around on the carpet in joy, but refrained. Instead, I drove home, and everyone in the house rejoiced. We drove around a little, just to celebrate.

    A week later, we had to haul more crap. I took the seats out. I put them in the garage. This was a dumb thing to do. I’d learned long ago to put them in the house. See, we leave our garage door cracked so our mouse control service can get in and out, the mouse control consisting of five cats.

    Sometimes, other cats figure they can help themselves to whatever’s in the garage. Some of those cats are stray toms. And because I don’t mark my territory with my own scent, which I’m sure would put the fear of whatever cat god is out there into them, they think they can muscle in. Feel like they can claim the place for their own.

    And so they spray.

    I’ve been meaning to get a gun. A paintball gun, if nothing else. I figure a few stings with a paintball ought to learn the dogs and cats and deer. It’s my theory, and I’m going to test it one of these days. So if you one day see various animals walking around with polka dots, you know what’s going on. Anyway, I don’t have a gun, and I’m not going to go around and mark the perimeter of my yard. You know how much water I’d have to drink!

    So this cat came in and sprayed.

    He sprayed one of my newly cleaned captain chairs!

    (Anyone who wants to practice their marksmanship on live targets, just let me know.)

    So what do you do? Well, I’ll tell you this: we didn’t have to set the seat on fire. No. We just called Patrick.

    Patrick did his magic and removed the offending blankity-blank cat spray. And the seat was as good as new.

    Can I tell you how happy I am we now have someone doing this in Laketown?

    I’m ecstatic. I plan to take my vehicles in once or twice a year. Why not?

    If you need your boat or car or van detailed, I think you’ll be pleased with Peerless. You can call Patrick at (435) 535-1493 and set up an appointment. I think he’s mobile to boot and can to it at your residence.

    *****

    Cinderella2015Okay, movie time. I have four daughters. They all wanted to see Cinderella.

    Except, what new thing can you do with Cinderella?

    I mean, how many different ways can you see her leave a glass slipper behind and still reel in shock at the story turn?

    Well, how many Bond movies do we see that follow the same darned plot? And we still love them. It’s very often the details that make the difference. And this new Disney version of Cinderella with live actors included a number of wonderful details.

    Like how Cinderella got in this fix in the first place. And how her position in the household devolves.

    And what’s motivating the stepmother, who is played wonderfully by Cate Blanchette.

    And the relationship between the king and prince, and Cinderella and her father.

    And a little bit of wisdom.

    I enjoyed this film. I think the key thing that lifts this above many remakes is the insight it gives into the key characters and relationships. And the many small surprises along the way.

    If you have daughters, this is a no-brainer for a date. If you liked the original Cinderella, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by this version. If you like romances, this is a classic. Furthermore, you’ll go away with a little something to think and talk about. I gave it a try; I was glad I did.

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  • Good Stuff! Mr. Holmes and 13 Hours, the book

    Earlier this month I watched Mr. Holmes.

    Mr._Holmes_poster

    It left me with this fine peace. With this feeling of goodness and light, in spite of, or probably because of, a number of poignant moments. It also surprised me.

    To write a story like this, to give people this kind of gift…

    What a wonderful, powerful thing.

    Now, it was not a thriller. It’s not an episode of Sherlock or Elementary. It’s not a murder mystery. It reminds me of Saving Mr. Banks most, but also of Miss Potter, maybe even The King’s English. It has that kind of tempo.

    Basically, Sherlock Holmes is a much older man. He’s retired. And there’s a case he’s trying to solve. But, again, this isn’t a murder mystery. This story is about Sherlock himself and wisdom and the beauty of change whenever it occurs.

    The story lingered with me, and I avoided reading or watching anything else for a few days to savor it. Give yourselves a treat. Watch this wonderful story.

    *

    The book 13 Hours: The Inside Account of What Really Happened in Benghazi was the answer to so many questions.

    13_Hours_ZuckhoffWant really happened in Benghazi?

    What we’re we doing there?

    Who are the brave men who tried to save the ambassador?

    It was also a thrilling read in the tradition of Marcus Luttrell’s Lone Survivor. As such, it purposely avoids the political aspect of the incident. It’s not about what the officials of the United States government did, said, or knew, or the political firestorm that ensued.

    It’s not a hit piece on Clinton and Obama, nor is it any kind of defense. Instead it simply documents the events on the ground in those last 13 hours, relying most heavily on what the five American security contractors who rushed to give aid said happened. Those men–two former Marines, two former SEALs, and a former Army Ranger—teamed up with Mitchell Zuckoff, the writer, to simply set the record straight.

    I couldn’t put the book down. Not only because the book’s well-written and the characters and situation are compelling, but also because of the insight it shared into some key dynamics within Libya itself. For example, it helps you understand why the revolt against Muammar Gaddafi centered in Benghazi, not Tripoli. It also touches on some of the currents inside these Muslim-majority countries close to the epicenter of Sunni extremism—Egypt and Saudi Arabia–so volatile. And it shares details, large and small, as only those who experience such things first hand can.

    If you want a fascinating account of really happened on the ground in Benghazi, get this book.

     

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    Ender’s World: Fresh Perspectives on the SF Classic Ender’s Game

    Smart Pop publishes smart, fresh, and engaging articles on the best of pop culture TV, books, and film, with a particular focus on science fiction and fantasy television and literature.

    You want to hear what Scott Westerfield (Uglies, Pretties, etc.) has to say about Buffy?  Go to Smart Pop.

    What about Orson Card’s thoughts on Joss Whedon’s Firefly universe? Smart Pop.

    What about the venerable Lawrence Block on Robert B. Parker’s Spenser series? Um, Smart Pop.

    Strange.  Do you see a pattern emerging? 

    Whether it’s Mad Men, House, Hunger Games, George Martin’s epic fantasies, Halo, True Blood, or Alias, Smart Pop gathers together New York Times bestselling authors, television writers, psychologists, philosophers, and others–folks who love of pop culture and have something worth sharing about it–and asks them to share their insights.   

    Recently, they’ve been putting together just such a collection on Ender’s Game.  It’s called Ender’s World: Fresh Perspectives on the SF Classic Ender’s Game. It’s coming out February 2013.  You can read more about it here.

    I’m announcing this now because The Man was fortunate enough to be invited to contribute.  I love Ender’s Game.  LOVE IT.  How cool is it that I get to write about it in an anthology edited by the folks at Smart Pop and Card himself? And then get to read what everyone else has to say, including military strategists Colonel Tom Ruby and Captain John Schmitt.  As well as the little bits they’ll include on things like why the battle room is the shape it is and why they were recruiting kids.

    But I’m also announcing this because in addition to the essays all we Ender-lovers get to write, Smart Pop is also going to include a series of Q&As with Scott Card, and they are currently soliciting the question from readers. FROM YOU. Right now.

    You ever wonder about a character or part of the setting or event in Ender’s Game?  Ever wanted to know what inspired Card? Ever wanted to ask any question at all about Ender’s Game?  Now’s your chance. Just submit you question here: http://www.smartpopbooks.com/ask-orson-scott-card-a-question-about-enders-game/

    You can see questions already submitted at Smart Pop’s Tumblr.

    From a writer’s pov, I have to tell you that the folks at Smart Pop have been nothing but enjoyable and insightful to work with. I’m looking forward to this book!

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