Me and Santa, Woodyatt Cherry Jam, Despicable Me, Shameless Commerce

ByJohn Brown

Why I got me a beef with Santa

Okay, men. I’m going to share a secret. Maybe help you avoid my situation. Women love flowers. They love diamonds and other expensive bits of gravel you can’t find out at the road pit. Some relish a backrub. Those are all good. But if your girlfriend, wife, mother, sister, or daughter likes to cook, well, you’d better watch out.

About two years ago, Santa brought my wife a Cuisinart six-quart electric pressure cooker (item CPC-600). Every time she takes that thing out, she talks about what a great gift that was, and how wonderful it is to be able to cook foods in 30% of the time it normally would take, and how pressure cooking is more nutritious because vitamins and minerals can’t boil away. Foods stay moist and flavors stay true. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, how she loves Santa.

I have to admit, Santa was a genius for getting her that gift. But you don’t mess with my girl. This year, if he comes around (you listening, Santa!), I’m going to be waiting with my gun.

For the rest of you, I suggest you go out and find yourself one of these before Santa tries to muscle in. Him and his ho-ho-ho. If you google it, you’ll see it’s only $80 bucks online. A small price to pay, let me tell you. And it lasts a heck of a lot longer than flowers.

Adventure Jam

I’m one of those people who can’t go to a restaurant and order the dish that I know is good. Nope, just before the waitress comes to take my order, a compulsion to try something new takes hold of me. Alas, three out of four times, the dish I order will taste like somebody cooked it in a shoe. I’m thinking my plan from now on should be to lock myself in the car and wait until my wife calls me and tells me that she’s placed my order and the coast is clear.

Of course, that doesn’t prevent me from buying things like kippers and kumquats at the grocery store. Nor does it prevent me from accepting strange gifts. For instance, this last week I was asked if I would like a six-sided bottle of Montmorency Tart Cherry Jam from Woodyatt Cherry Farms. I love cherries, but cherry jam, with big old cherries in it? And what’s with the weird name and bottle?

But it was a gift from a fine friend, so how could I say no?

The next day I made toast and buttered it, and as I reached for the sure-fire delicious creamed honey, I was overcome by that maddening spirit of wild culinary adventure. So I pulled the six-sided bottle from the pantry instead, twisted off the white lid, and looked at the cherries crowded within. I drew back for a moment. What was I thinking?! The answer came: “Tart cherry jam, you wimp.”

So I manned up and spread the jammed cherries on my toast. I took a bite, waited to be disappointed, but it was good. I took another bite.

Dang. It was real good.

That jar of zingy jam is now almost empty. But I can tell you I plan on getting some more.

If you’re a bit adventurous and every now and again want something different but excellent, let me recommend this cherry jam to you. I couldn’t find a website for Woodyatt Cherry Frams, but you can drop by at 7630 S. Highway 89, Willard, UT 84340 or call them at (435) 720-7366  and place an order.

Funny Family Movie

My wife and I took the kids out to the Cinefour theaters this last week. That’s the three-dollar theater that’s nice and clean in Logan, UT. We watched the animated Despicable Me. I know, it came out back in July, but who said I had to review things the minute they hit the market?

Gru, super villain, has his secret hideout in a happy suburban neighborhood. He’s got everything a villain could want: a wicked jet-powered vehicle, freeze rays, and minions. But another villain has just upstaged him with a major heist in Egypt. So Gru decides make a bigger heist, the biggest in the history of the world—he’s going to steal the moon. Sounds impossible, doesn’t it? Ah, but he’s going to use a shrink ray first. Then he can put the moon in his pocket. The problem is the upstaging villain takes the shrink ray. And the only way Gru can steal it back is with the help of three little orphan girls.

The movie is full of humor (I laughed so hard at one point that I missed a full minute of the movie) and fun action. The orphans and minions are wonderful. Toward the end there was one moment where a sob caught in my throat. (The things cartoons will do to you these days!) The movie is not going to win an Academy Award. But I can guarantee you it will give you and your kids two hours of excellent entertainment and a few funny lines that will enter your family vocabulary.

Brown’s Shameless Commerce Section

I know some of you are at a loss for what to get your teen or adult friend who likes fantasy stuff—dragons, magic, etc. It’s not like you can just go buy them a pet monster or suit of armor. And there are soooo many books in the science fiction and fantasy section of the bookstore. So let me help you.

Servant of a Dark God was recently released in paperback (think inexpensive) and is the perfect stocking stuffer for readers who liked Lord of the Rings. Don’t let the title scare you; the book won the Whitney Awards Best Novel of the Year in speculative fiction and has been getting excellent national reviews. And it just so happens that your humble reviewer is the author.

If you want to read the first chapters or find out more about the book, click on the Fiction part of the site. There are copies in Smith’s, Macey’s, Fresh Market, Raley’s, and other grocery stores. Or you can order it from Barnes&Noble.com and Amazon.com and have it delivered to your door. Whoever receives it will thank you for the epic fantasy thrills.

Share

Similar Posts

  • The Rocket Science of Overspending

    ByJohn Brown

    In July, I blogged some spending 101 for Congress and the President, including contigency planning for alien invasions.  I thought I made some good points.  However, through the whole spending debate that occured this last spring nobody in the media or elsewhere was able to make clear what is going on with the US government. Nobody except Dave Ramsey. He explained it on Fox and then on his website. If you take the big federal numbers and translate them to a size we can understand, here’s the situation:

    – Joe and Susie (the Federal government) make $55,000 a year
    – They spend $96,000 a year
    – At the same time, they have $366,000 in credit card debt

    Look at those numbers again. Every year those clowns in Washington are adding $41,000 a year to that massive debt total. Soon enough, our overspending will kill our ability to do anything else except pay the interest on that debt.  150 years after America abolishes slavery, we decide that debt slavery really is a good idea. Yea! Give us shackles! Give us shackles!

    No wonder our credit score as a nation (our bond rating) was reduced.

    So what did the government do this last Spring? They agreed to find some way to cut spending from $96,000 to $78,000. Meaning they’re still adding $28,000 dollars a year to the government’s massive credit card debt total. Which we have to pay!

    If the US Government was a family, they would be making $55,000 a year, they spend $96,500 a year, & are $366,000 in credit card debt. What’s the first step to get out of debt? Stop overspending! But that means a family that is used to spending $96,500 a year has to learn how to live on $55,000. That’s a tough pill to swallow. It works the same way for the government. You can’t borrow your way out of debt, whether you’re a typical American family or the entire U.S. government. At some point, you’ve got to say, “Enough is enough!” and make the hard cuts necessary to win over the long haul. – Dave Ramsey

    The answer is NOT to print more money.

    If you do that, you reduce the value of each dollar. It’s called inflation. As Ron Paul rightly points out, it acts effectively as a tax. Or as I like to put it–a PAY CUT. How many of you would like to get a nice fat 10% or 20% pay cut this year? Furthermore, instead of fixing the problem, the overspending continues, which means more pay cuts in the future. More fun!

    No, the thing we have to do is STOP SPENDING MORE THAN WE MAKE.  Here’s what has to happen.

    1. We must write into law that Congress balance its budget every year–they must not be able to spend more than they take in except in rare emergencies. This means they might need to build up a rainy-day fund.
    2. We must cut our spending. Now. I linked to an idea Ron Paul has for this in my 101 post where we just go back to 2007 levels of spending.
    3. We must work to increase our revenues. Not through hiking taxes to monstrous levels, but by providing optiomal regulatory conditions for economic growth. See my 101 post. 
    4. We need to make sure the taxes are visible, so the American people can easily see what’s going on. Congress has mandated that lenders provide clients an APR so they can clearly see the rate they will pay on a mortgage. Why shouldn’t we mandate that the IRS send out an ATR–annual tax rate (or maybe Annual Grab Rate or Annual Tax Burden or you come up with the name)–which includes all Federal taxes translated into one total rate?  
    5. We need to give everyone the opportunity to pay for the soldiers that defend them and the roads they drive on, even if it’s just $50-100 a year for the very poor.
    6. We must send people to the White House and Congress who are willing to do what it takes RIGHT NOW.

    I mentioned Ron Paul a number of times above. He’s not my choice for president. But he has added a number of good things to this discussion. Here are the Ramsey links:

    EDIT: Mark Holt makes an excellent point in the comments. Inflation isn’t just a pay cut. It’s a savings cut, a retirement cut, a 401k cut, a house value cut, an everything cut. Using that backdoor method, the DC Connivers institute a tax of everything, something they’d never be able to pass out in the open.

     

    Share

  • Smith’s Grocery and Servant of a Dark God

    ByJohn Brown

    I’ve just learned that Kroger Food has decided to carry Servant of a Dark God on a trial basis in its Utah Smith’s grocery stores. If it sells well, they will take it nation wide.

    Folks, this is a BIG opportunity for SERVANT. To put this in perspective, Barnes & Noble, the biggest book retailer in the nation, currently operates 775 retail bookstores. For first time novelists in my genre, they usually stock 2-6 copies of a hard back book. (BTW, if after eight weeks the book has sold decently, they will model the book for the store which means when they sell out, they order some more.  Other books that aren’t modeled are not reordered or are sent back to the publisher.) Kroger, on the other hand, operates 2,500 + grocery stores with book sections in them. That’s more than three times the size of B&N! That gives so many more readers the chance to preview the book. Heck, to even know it exists.

    If you know someone in Utah who was thinking of buying SERVANT, let them know now’s a good time to get it at Smith’s. My fingers are crossed.

    Also, if you spot the books while shopping at your local Smith’s, please let me know. I’d like to know how widely they’ve been distributed.

    Share

  • The Drowned Cities by Paolo Bacigalupi

    ByJohn Brown

    The Drowned Cities by Paolo BacigalupiI just finished The Drowned Cities by Paolo Bacigalupi, and, holy cow, folks—this story rocked.

    It’s set in the future in the area around Washington D.C. which is the titular drowned cities. They’re drowned because the climate has gotten warmer, the seas have risen, and D.C. is half under water, permananetly flooded. It’s more like Georgia or Florida—gators, kudzu, the works. But this is not another dumb book about global warming. If it were, I wouldn’t be writing this.

    No, the United States has fallen apart. Up north there’s some alliance with money and power and the ability to keep those in the Drowned Cities out. South, who knows? West? Don’t know. But right around D.C. everything has gone to hell.

    It’s like Mogadishu, Somalia in the 1990’s (Blackhawk Down) with warlords fighting each other, tearing the place apart.

    It’s like Sierra Leone at the end of that decade with different factions butchering locals and forcing kids to fight as soldiers.

    Except instead of the U.S. or Europe or the U-freaking-N sending in peacekeepers to stabilize the situation, it’s China. And just like the U.S. in Somalia, the warlords send the Chinese peacekeepers packing. And so now it’s just chaos.

    Talk about a setting for a story. But Bacigalupi doesn’t stop there. He adds in genetically modified creatures. He starts the book with one named Tool. A creature that’s got the DNA of humans, mastiffs, tigers, reptiles and who knows what else all combined to make him smarter and stronger than humans ever could be—a monster that’s the ultimate killer, the ultimate soldier, the ultimate war machine. One that was bred to submit to a master, but something went wrong with Tool. And he was able to break free of that bond.

    Tool is trying to escape prison and death. But as mighty as he is, he’s weak and injured. And then two kids from a village run into him while in the jungle. He knows they’re going to reveal his whereabouts to the warlord searching for him. In his weakened state, Tool is only able to grab the small boy named Mouse.

    Mahlia, the girl, promises to bring medicine if Tool will only spare the boy. He knows she’s lying.

    And so starts a rich tale of the monster, the boy, and the girl: a tale that is filled with friendship, triumph, loss, heroism, cowardice, and earthy sci-fi coolness all set in the midst of a guerilla war. The beginning sucks you in. The ending leaves you breathless. Along the way you get to see into the character of all three plus some of the bad guys. In the end you get a story about sacrifice and love.

    If you liked A Long Way Gone, Ishmael Beah’s memoir of his time as a child solider in Africa; if you liked The Hunger Games, and not primarily for the romance; if you like person in jeopardy fiction or war flicks where a small group has to fight for its life, I think you will love this book.

    This is the second book set in the same world. The first was Ship Breaker. Tool, one of the most interesting characters I’ve come across, is in that one too. But you don’t need to read that to enjoy this. And I wouldn’t put this read off to do so. Go give The Drowned Cities a try. Three or four pages in, I suspect you’ll be completely lost in the wondrous tale.

    Share

  • Release Dates for the Novels

    ByJohn Brown

    BTW, I talked to Stacy Hague-Hill today and got the release and due dates.

    Book 1
    Revisions due May 15th, 2008
    Final due July 1, 2008
    Hardcover release Sept 2009
    Paperback release Aug 2010

    She said because it’s my first novel and because it’s a trilogy they want to make sure they properly lay the groundwork, getting cover quotes, working up excitement, etc. And that’s why there’s such a space between the contract, final delivery date, and HC release. Although the schedule repeats for every book. On the one hand, I wish they were coming out on a 9 month schedule. On the other hand, I think my focus should be making these three books the very best they can be. And this gives me the time. Besides, there will be a HC release and then a paperback and so each book will get two pulses each year. Although the paperback is released usually right before the second book comes out.

    Book 2
    Draft due Feb 2009
    Final due July 1, 2009
    Hardcover release Sept 2010
    Paperback release Aug 2011

    Book 3
    Draft due Feb 2010
    Final due July 1, 2010
    Hardcover release Sep 2011
    Paperback release Aug 2012? Not sure.

    That’s a ways out there. Holy cow.

    2011?

    I haven’t planned anything out that far into the future since college and that wasn’t really planning but a lifestyle (grin).

    Share

  • Good Stuff! 3 Books to Introduce You to the Middle East

    ByJohn Brown

    ISIS, the Taliban, Al Qaeda, the Muslim Brotherhood, Iran.

    What drives these groups?

    What are they really about?

    Why is there so much religious strife in the Middle East?

    For that matter, what is Islam actually about? Is the religion really defined by these violent actors, or are they just the most visible because they’re what’s reported on in the media?

    I set out to find the answers to these questions, and what I have found so far surprised me. If you are interested in understanding what’s going on in the Middle East today, you have to understand Islam. And it’s a fascinating story. There are a lot of books on the subject, but you don’t have to sift through all those I did. I want to share with you three slim books that I found to be the most clear and engaging introductions I’ve come across.

    The first is Understanding Islam: An Introduction to the Muslim World by Thomas W. Lippman, an award-winning author and journalist who specializes in the Middle East and spent years living in Egypt, covering the events, and traveling from Tunisia to Pakistan. Again, this is a slim, easy-to-read volume, but it is packed with information. If you want to know the basic beliefs of Islam, who Muhammad was, what all this business about Sharia is, and who the major Islamic groups of the Middle East are today, this is the book to start with. One note, you want to make sure you get the third edition of this book.

    Understanding Islam by Thomas Lippman

    The next book is by Bernard Lewis, a man internationally recognized as one of our century’s greatest historians of the Middle East. The book is called The Crisis of Islam: Holy War and Unholy Terror. Again, another slim, engaging, but information-packed volume. In it, Lewis explains what it is in Islam that is breeding these extremist groups. And what is leading them to target America, which is especially interesting because for most of the 1900s the United States was seen as the good guy by the Islamic world. What changed? Read this book to find out.

    The Crisis of Islam by Bernard Lewis

    The last book, a lively, engaging read, is called After the Prophet: The Epic Story of the Sunni-Shia Split by Lesley Hazleton, another veteran Middle East journalist. When you finish this book, you will understand why Saudi Arabia supported ISIS before they so recently turned against it. You’ll understand why they recently joined Israel, of all nations, in condemning Iran’s nuclear program. You will also understand one main reason why the Iraqis can’t seem to get along. In this book, Hazelton goes back to the beginning of the religion and tells the story of the splitting of Islam–the split between the Shias and Sunnis. It’s as significant a split as that of the Protestants from the Catholics in the time of Luther. But unlike that split, which has lost almost all of its heat, the antagonism between Sunni and Shia still leads to war. You cannot understand the Middle East today without understanding this.

    After the Prophet by Lesley Hazleton

    So there you have it. If you’ve been wanting to learn more about Islam and the Middle East, you’ll find these the perfect introduction. And if you’re religious at all, you’ll find much to ponder. There isn’t one god-fearing Christian, Jew, Hindu, or what have you who doesn’t think that submitting our will to God’s won’t help us build a better families, communities, nations–a better world. Would it surprise to you to know that Muslims believe the same thing? That Islam means “to submit” to God?

    There are of course many differences between Islam and my own Christian beliefs, but there are also many striking similarities. And the experience I kept having reading these books was seeing over and over again echoes of my own faith and the history of Christianity. There are cautions, to be sure, but also things worthy of emulation. If nothing else, it felt like it did when I learned Dutch. Yes, it was all foreign, but I saw the ties and the differences and, surprisingly, understood my language better than I ever had before.

    Now there are three other equally fascinating books I want recommend that focus on Al Qaeda, fighting terrorism, and Saudi Arabia, but I’ll save those for another time. Go treat yourself and read these fine introductions.

     

    Share
  • |

    Radiolab’s “Parasites”

    ByJohn Brown

    Radio and TV have incredible power. But until the last decade they were always constrained by time and signal power. You had to listen when the station broadcast it, and you had to listen where you could pick up the signal. 

    Living out in the boonies we don’t get good radio or TV reception (no I don’t subscribe to satellite). Which is why the internet is so wonderful.

    You can listen and watch almost anything when you want from almost any location–yes, even in Laketown, UT, Boonie Central. Millions listen to music, conservative talk, or libral talk (NPR) via the internet. I enjoy all three depending on my mood. But there’s so much more out there than music and blah blah blah, as much as I love it. For example, you can listen to the British BBC. You can listen to the Dutch. See what’s going on in Australia. Doesn’t matter that they are a number time zones away and all asleep when I’m working. I love the internet.  

    One of the best programs I’ve heard in the last six months is the three-part “Parasites” presented by Radiolab. In a fascinating hour they address the following questions:

    • Parasites: are they evil, or are they awesome?
    • Should you get infected with hookworms?
    • Can parasites exercise mind control over their hosts?

    Along the way they tell a number of amazing stories. Listen now. You won’t be able to stop.

    Get zinged, Baby!

    Share