“26 Monkeys, Also The Abyss” by Kij Johnson

ByJohn Brown

Why is Kij smiling?

Because she knows how the blasted monkeys do it!

And she’s not telling, neither. Neener-neener.

I just read Johnson’s story and enjoyed it. I enjoyed the inexplicable trick, the narrator, the transport to this odd and wonderful traveling troupe, and dang it, even the ending. Furthermore, there are moments in the story that capture the wonderousness of these fellow animals so well that they shine like jewels.

I always wanted a monkey friend. You can read about someone who has 26 of them.

 It’s on her website, free, just waiting to be enjoyed. Kind of like a delicous mango or bananna.
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  • Some 101 for Congress and the President

    ByJohn Brown

    It’s not really rocket science.

    1. If you have loans outstanding and the payment is due, you owe the creditors a payment. Payables for Idiots 101.
    2. If you have received goods and services, then you owe your vendors a payment. Payables for Idiots 102.
    3. You pay your bills. End of story. That’s what grown ups do. If you have to float some debt for a few months, you do it. And you staple a note to your head to stop spending like a slot machine junkie. Payables for Idiots 103.

    The debts we have are for goods and services we’ve already received. So increase the debt limit and pay your damn bills. What about spending?

    1. You do not spend more than you take in year after year. If you do, that’s called running your business into the ground. In the case of the Congress (primarily Harry Reid’s Senate at this point, although many, but not all, of the Republicans were happy to go along with dumb spending earlier) and the President, it’s the country they’re running into the ground. Spending for Idiots 101.
    2. If you’ve got all sorts of cool things planned like Acorn subsidies for pimps and Antarctica Jell-O wrestling grants for scientists, but you can’t afford them—i.e. you have to go into debt to get them–you cancel those plans. Spending for Idiots 102.
    3. The problem is that Congress and the President buy all sorts of crap and expect to put it on a credit card when it comes due. And there’s nothing to prevent them from doing it.
    4. They’re like irresponsible teenagers. They need controls that won’t allow them to overspend. Kind of like putting limits on a teenager’s cell phone minutes. Or forcing them to use a debit card. When they’re out of cash, they get a card denied response from their vendors.
    5. So you set spending limits, debt limits, and force them to balance the budget each year, except in extreme emergencies like when space aliens try to wipe out humanity. Spending for Idiots 103.

    This means you pass Cut, Cap, and Balance and quit spending money you don’t have. Really difficult stuff. What about getting out of debt?

    1. You eat rice and beans until you’re debt is gone or down to a manageable level. That means you cancel crap you can’t pay for. Sorry earmarks, you’re gone. Sorry grants for nude artists in trees, you’re gone. Sorry subsidies for PBS, you’re gone.  Finances 200: How to Not Be A Money Moron.
    2. You figure out how to reduce your current cost structure. This means you figure out a way to reduce the costs of Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, and every other service or product you provide, cutting those that aren’t essential. You hire someone like Mitt Romney who knows how to go through every line in a budget and turn a bloated ship around.  Finances 300: No, You Can’t Pay For Your Sister’s Hair Implants with My Money.
    3. You remind people this is the freaking U S of A. A place where a man or woman can make themselves. Not where the government changes your diapers and feeds you mush three times a day. Communism and socialism have failed. They were badly conceived utopias, much like multi-level soap and vitamin marketing schemes that are supposed to usher in the Second Coming.  Finances 400: The USA Buried the USSR for a Reason.
    4. You increase your revenues.
    5. However, if you raise taxes, you’re actually going to depress your revenues. Think about this. Which car company has bigger revenues–Lamborgini or Honda? Who is going to put out, if they’ve got Louie the Fingers and his buddy Jockstrap taking increasing amounts of their money in a protection racket? Don’t be a thug. Be an enabler.  Do what Wal-Mart does and go for volume.  Do what Ebay does–create the environment that entices tons of commerce, entices people to dramatically increase their transactions. Transactions go through the roof; you take only a tiny cut, and, shazam, you increase your revenues.  Finances 500: Um, Do You Want People to Work to Become Rich or Do You Want Them To Pick Up Torches and Burn the Houses of the Rich Down?

    Cut spending, reduce cost structure, and increase your revenues. That’s getting out of debt.

    Is this really that hard?

    EDIT: 8/1 Seems that “wacky” Ron Paul actually has a simple commonsense approach that doesn’t sound crazy. Why couldn’t we do this?

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  • Good Stuff! Science as Storytelling

    ByJohn Brown

    I know the word ‘atheist’ presumes a lot, but it’s just an easier way of describing someone with a rational mind.

    Joe Konrath, a self-avowed atheist, awesome fighter for authors, and leader in the indie author movement, said that almost a year ago in his Konrants post.

    My response then was the same as it is now—right, the rest of us run around eating socks and wondering if there really are gerbils under the hoods of our cars.

    Shoot, wouldn’t it be great if we could get us one of them rational minds?

    In the comments of that post, I had a very interesting conversation with Joe about God, belief, and evidence. Joe brought up a number of valid points about the errors we can make when we formulate beliefs using something other than science.

    However, he didn’t point out the errors we can make when we formulate beliefs based on science. He didn’t want to talk about the limits of science. What he wanted to focus on was the claim that if God existed, we should not only be able to observe things about him, her, or it, but we should also be able to subject those observations to the scientific method.

    If we couldn’t do that, Joe claimed, then there was no rational basis for believing in God. God did not exist until he was proven to exist. And the only way to do that was by using science.

    So here’s the question: is Joe right?

    To answer that, we first have to understand what science is. And what it is not.

    And I’m happy to report that earlier this year I read probably the best article explaining what science is that I’ve ever read. It’s called “Science as Storytelling” and was written by Barry R. Bickmore, a professor of Geological Sciences at BYU, and David A. Grandy, a professor of Philosophy at BYU with a strong interest in the philosophy of science.

    Hold on, John. Is this some anti-science thing?

    Not at all.

    In fact, it’s just the opposite.

    They wrote the first version of this article help students with simplistic views of science and who tended to “dismiss scientific conclusions that challenge their preconceived notions—especially those connected with religious or political views.” They also wrote it to help scientists who are not religious, downplay the supernatural, or “share in certain inaccurate views of the nature of science.”

    What they have fashioned is a way to “help science students (and professors) gain a more productive view of both the nature of science and the science-religion interface.” And, as good scientists, they put their theory to the test and found that their approach was indeed effective at both secular and religious colleges.

    So, is Joe right? Is science the only way to prove or disprove God?

    Let me suggest you read the article. Let me suggest that this is the most productive way of talking about the issue that I’ve found. As you read, you might want to look for the answers to the following questions:

    • What makes science different from things like astrology?
    • Does science have any blind spots?
    • Is science fiction because its stories change?
    • Is it possible for natural phenomena to exist upon which you can do no science?
    • Under what circumstances could science prove the existence of a God?

    If you’re interested in science or religion, I think you will love this article. Not only because it clarifies and reaffirms science, but it also because it helps us understand its limits.

    I would, of course, be interested in your responses to it. And in another post perhaps we can talk about how we’re supposed to proceed about a subject when we can’t do science.

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    Good Stuff! The actual Christmas story

    ByJohn Brown

    It’s interesting how many things we’ve added to the accounts we have in the Bible.

    For example, nowhere does the Bible say that Mary rode a donkey. Mary might have walked. Or rode in a cart. Or gotten piggy back rides. We don’t know. We do know that there is no donkey mentioned in the record.

    It also doesn’t say she had the child the night they arrived.

    It only says she was “great with child” when they made the roughly 80-mile journey from Nazareth to Bethlehem. And that “while they were there” in Bethlehem “the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.”

    So she had the baby sometime while they were there. That could have been during the first hour. But it could have also been a week or month later. We just don’t know.

    It doesn’t mention anywhere the word stable.

    Christ might have been born in a stable, or he might have been born in a cave, or inside the house, or out on the porch, or on the roof (lots of those places had flat roofs where they hung out). We just don’t know. What we do know is that he wasn’t born in a palace. And that they laid him in a manger because there wasn’t any room in the inn. An odd circumstance for a king.  

    Notice as well that there weren’t multiple inns.

    It just says “the inn.” And if you look up that word in the Greek, it’s translated as “guest chamber” in the other spots where it’s used in Luke. So they could have been talking about the one guest room in the house where they were staying. Either way, we don’t have anything that says there was a mean innkeeper who later regretted turning the couple away or that Joseph went door-to-door looking for a place.

    We have no record in the account of three wisemen.

    It just says “wisemen.” So there might have been two of them. Or twelve. We don’t know. And it appears they came sometime after Jesus had been born because they first saw the star of his birth in the east and only then set out to find him. They might have been coming from Persia, hundreds of miles away. Or they could have been living in Bethphage, a mile to the east of Jerusalem. Either way, they didn’t know they should travel to Bethlehem because it says they went and talked to Herod first, in Jerusalem, and asked “where is he that is born King of the Jews?”

    The question freaked Herod out (if you’re the current king, you kind of want to know who else is claiming your throne), and so he gathered all the chief priests and scribes to discuss it, and those guys said the prophecies said it would be Bethlehem. And so Herod met with the wisemen again and told them to go there. And only then did they go down to Bethlehem. So it doesn’t appear the wisemen were there the night of the birth.  

    There’s no record of camels hanging out with the baby either. Or sheep. Or goats. There’s not a lot there. But what is there is interesting.

    Now, I want to go on record stating I have no problem speculating about the event and imagining what it might have been like. I love to do it. Good grief, I write fiction.

    In fact, for many years I figured I needed to get in on the Christmas noun gig. You know what I mean. Every year we get heart-warming books about new Christmas nouns. We’ve had Christmas sweaters, Christmas jars, Christmas boxes, Christmas candles, Christmas carols. This year I see there’s one about Christmas fudge and other about a Christmas train. So I figured I’d do one. Mine would be about the Christmas rat. A little fellow who decided to snuggle up with the babe instead of giving him a nibble. One of these days I will get that hungry rat story written.  

    In the meantime, while there’s a lot of good stuff we’ve added to make the event special, it’s also nice to know what the record actually does say. Whether you’re Christian or not, it’s helpful when dealing with others to know what was recorded about this event that is so significant to the largest religion in the world.

    And so the last bit of good stuff I recommend this month are the two brief accounts we have. The first one is in Matthew 2:1-16 and tells the story of the wisemen. The other is in Luke 2:1-20 and features some shepherds.

    Merry Christmas!

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  • Me and Santa, Woodyatt Cherry Jam, Despicable Me, Shameless Commerce

    ByJohn Brown

    Why I got me a beef with Santa

    Okay, men. I’m going to share a secret. Maybe help you avoid my situation. Women love flowers. They love diamonds and other expensive bits of gravel you can’t find out at the road pit. Some relish a backrub. Those are all good. But if your girlfriend, wife, mother, sister, or daughter likes to cook, well, you’d better watch out.

    About two years ago, Santa brought my wife a Cuisinart six-quart electric pressure cooker (item CPC-600). Every time she takes that thing out, she talks about what a great gift that was, and how wonderful it is to be able to cook foods in 30% of the time it normally would take, and how pressure cooking is more nutritious because vitamins and minerals can’t boil away. Foods stay moist and flavors stay true. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, how she loves Santa.

    I have to admit, Santa was a genius for getting her that gift. But you don’t mess with my girl. This year, if he comes around (you listening, Santa!), I’m going to be waiting with my gun.

    For the rest of you, I suggest you go out and find yourself one of these before Santa tries to muscle in. Him and his ho-ho-ho. If you google it, you’ll see it’s only $80 bucks online. A small price to pay, let me tell you. And it lasts a heck of a lot longer than flowers.

    Adventure Jam

    I’m one of those people who can’t go to a restaurant and order the dish that I know is good. Nope, just before the waitress comes to take my order, a compulsion to try something new takes hold of me. Alas, three out of four times, the dish I order will taste like somebody cooked it in a shoe. I’m thinking my plan from now on should be to lock myself in the car and wait until my wife calls me and tells me that she’s placed my order and the coast is clear.

    Of course, that doesn’t prevent me from buying things like kippers and kumquats at the grocery store. Nor does it prevent me from accepting strange gifts. For instance, this last week I was asked if I would like a six-sided bottle of Montmorency Tart Cherry Jam from Woodyatt Cherry Farms. I love cherries, but cherry jam, with big old cherries in it? And what’s with the weird name and bottle?

    But it was a gift from a fine friend, so how could I say no?

    The next day I made toast and buttered it, and as I reached for the sure-fire delicious creamed honey, I was overcome by that maddening spirit of wild culinary adventure. So I pulled the six-sided bottle from the pantry instead, twisted off the white lid, and looked at the cherries crowded within. I drew back for a moment. What was I thinking?! The answer came: “Tart cherry jam, you wimp.”

    So I manned up and spread the jammed cherries on my toast. I took a bite, waited to be disappointed, but it was good. I took another bite.

    Dang. It was real good.

    That jar of zingy jam is now almost empty. But I can tell you I plan on getting some more.

    If you’re a bit adventurous and every now and again want something different but excellent, let me recommend this cherry jam to you. I couldn’t find a website for Woodyatt Cherry Frams, but you can drop by at 7630 S. Highway 89, Willard, UT 84340 or call them at (435) 720-7366  and place an order.

    Funny Family Movie

    My wife and I took the kids out to the Cinefour theaters this last week. That’s the three-dollar theater that’s nice and clean in Logan, UT. We watched the animated Despicable Me. I know, it came out back in July, but who said I had to review things the minute they hit the market?

    Gru, super villain, has his secret hideout in a happy suburban neighborhood. He’s got everything a villain could want: a wicked jet-powered vehicle, freeze rays, and minions. But another villain has just upstaged him with a major heist in Egypt. So Gru decides make a bigger heist, the biggest in the history of the world—he’s going to steal the moon. Sounds impossible, doesn’t it? Ah, but he’s going to use a shrink ray first. Then he can put the moon in his pocket. The problem is the upstaging villain takes the shrink ray. And the only way Gru can steal it back is with the help of three little orphan girls.

    The movie is full of humor (I laughed so hard at one point that I missed a full minute of the movie) and fun action. The orphans and minions are wonderful. Toward the end there was one moment where a sob caught in my throat. (The things cartoons will do to you these days!) The movie is not going to win an Academy Award. But I can guarantee you it will give you and your kids two hours of excellent entertainment and a few funny lines that will enter your family vocabulary.

    Brown’s Shameless Commerce Section

    I know some of you are at a loss for what to get your teen or adult friend who likes fantasy stuff—dragons, magic, etc. It’s not like you can just go buy them a pet monster or suit of armor. And there are soooo many books in the science fiction and fantasy section of the bookstore. So let me help you.

    Servant of a Dark God was recently released in paperback (think inexpensive) and is the perfect stocking stuffer for readers who liked Lord of the Rings. Don’t let the title scare you; the book won the Whitney Awards Best Novel of the Year in speculative fiction and has been getting excellent national reviews. And it just so happens that your humble reviewer is the author.

    If you want to read the first chapters or find out more about the book, click on the Fiction part of the site. There are copies in Smith’s, Macey’s, Fresh Market, Raley’s, and other grocery stores. Or you can order it from Barnes&Noble.com and Amazon.com and have it delivered to your door. Whoever receives it will thank you for the epic fantasy thrills.

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  • Good Stuff! Jesus Revolution

    ByJohn Brown
    Jesus Revolution poster

    In 1969, Greg Laurie, was seventeen and going to high school Newport Harbor High School in California. Fourteen miles from Disneyland. Just one mile from the beach.

    Laurie was raised by a single mother who had seven marriages and struggled with alcoholism. They moved often, sometimes to very different locations such as New Jersey and Hawaii. He was not raised in the Christian faith or a church environment.

    He began participating in the hippie movement, doing drugs, dropping out, because it was fun and because maybe this was the way.

    The 1960s and early 1970s was the height of the hippie movement, which sought love, beauty, honesty, freedom, and fun. Hippies felt that “The Man” (the establishment, the authorities, those in charge, Big Brother) had caused huge problems. And they wanted to drop out of that society. Leave it utterly. Find a new way.

    Why? What was the problem?

    The 1960s was the decade of the Vietnam war. It was the decade when we came to the brink of a nuclear World War 3 with the USSR over the Cuban Missile Crisis. It was the decade when a huge portion of the United States strove for equal rights for minorities and women against a lot of opposition. There were riots. Protests. Beatings. This was the decade when Martin Luther King Jr. and John F. Kennedy were assassinated. There were problems galore.

    Now the 1960s was also a terrific decade. We passed civil rights legislation, men landed on the moon, super nerds introduced BASIC computer code which opened the door to the computer revolution. It was a decade of many good things, including the year when Lovely Wife was born. Let’s not forget that.

    But it was certainly a tumultuous decade. And the hippies offered a counterculture. A different path.

    A lot of youth followed that path. For example, in 1969 half a million hippies showed up at the Woodstock festival to protest the war, capitalism, and convention, and celebrate peace, love, and individual freedom.

    This is the world young Greg Laurie was living in. And he was heading down the drug-hippie path.

    But then he met a man named Lonnie Frisbee who looked like a hippie, had been a hippie, right at the epicenter in San Francisco, but was now inviting fellow hippies and youth to a different path.

    A path that featured Christ. But not in the way of many of the churches at the time.

    How was this path different? Did Greg turn around?

    There’s a new movie out that is based on these true events. You can watch it and find out.

    It’s called Jesus Revolution.

    Nellie and I enjoyed the heck out of it. We laughed. We were on the edge of our seats, moved, and inspired. In fact, I enjoyed it so much I want to watch it again.

    It’s a great entertainment for the whole family.

    If you’re looking for a terrific, feel-good show, I think you’ll love Jesus Revolution. Give it a try.

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  • Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

    ByJohn Brown

    I enjoyed Joss Whedon’s movie Serenity as well as many of the TV episodes of Firefly which featured the same characters and world. So when I saw Whedon had put up another movie called Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog and made it available over the internet, I had to watch it. And then watch it again, and again.

    I loved the characters. I couldn’t get some of the songs out of my mind. Some of the plot turns simply delighted. Here’s a preview.

    And here’s where you can watch it right now for free. It’s only 42 minutes long. Give it 4 minutes (literally). If you’re not hooked, let me know right here. I’d give it a PG-13 for some language and thematic stuff.

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