Good Stuff: Books Worth Multiple Readings Part 2

ByJohn Brown

What’s your typical response when someone shares a frustration, problem, or issue with you? Or when they state an opinion or desire you disagree with?

Sometimes we get impatient, exasperated, or annoyed with them and simply don’t want to hear it.

Sometimes we get mad. Or defensive. And want to line them out.

Sometimes, however, we want to help.

And wouldn’t you know it, but we sometimes cause as many problems with that last reaction as the first two.

How can this be?

Your teenage daughter comes home and expresses disappointment about something that happened at school, and you want to help. How in the world could that be wrong?

Your spouse shares a frustration about something that happened with a friend, and you don’t want him or her to be sad. This is a bad thing?

Your coworker expresses annoyance with a program management is trying to implement, and you know exactly what will fix the problem and want to share it. This is going to cause problems?

In their fabulous book, I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles that Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships, Gary and Joy Lundberg show two different ways of acting on the desire to help others that have dramatically different results. If we try to help using the first method, we actually create more issues. We will make the person less willing to talk to us, introduce strain into the relationship, and create a lot of stress for ourselves. On the other hand, if we try to help using the second method, we’ll find the person more willing to talk. There will be more friendliness in the relationship. And our own stress will go way down. Furthermore, we’ll end up helping the person far more than we ever could with the first method.

Gary is a licensed marriage and family therapist. His wife Joy is a writer and lyricist, and they have held marriage retreats, firesides, and seminars throughout the country. And the six principles they share in the book for using the second method all revolve around accepting this one statement: “I do not have the power to make anything all better for anyone else. I can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better.”

Accepting this view has a dramatic impact on how we approach helping others.

So when the teenage daughter comes in and expresses disappointment, instead of trying get her to buck up or tell her she just needs to do xyz with her friends, or do 123 in sports practice, we listen, validate her emotions, leave the responsibility for the problem where it belongs—with her!—and then, when it’s all out, offer to help in a way that empowers her, not have us take over.

When the spouse shares frustration, it’s the same. When the coworker expresses annoyance, the same. When someone comes in to complain to us, it’s the same.

What the Lungbergs do in this book is show exactly what this looks like with tons and tons of examples. They even have a whole chapter (a short one) which gives a list of validating phrases and questions. The first six chapters of the book explain the principles. The last eight each apply them to a different group: young children, teenagers, adult children, spouses, parents and parents-in-law, friends, and coworkers.

Folks, this book is a gem. It’s loaded with wisdom and insight. Every time I practice what’s in here, my interactions go better. This stuff produces immediate results. I just wished I’d studied and practiced it more. But it’s never too late. And that’s why I’m rereading it now.

And why I wanted to share it here. If you want to improve your interactions with others and enrich your relationships, do yourself a favor and immediately go get this book.

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  • Good Stuff! Mitty, Non-Stop, and The Winter Soldier

    ByJohn Brown

    the-secret-life-of-walter-mitty-poster-bigThe previews for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty didn’t look interesting at all. Furthermore, I’m not the biggest Ben Stiller fan. He’s a fine actor; I just haven’t been in the audience for a lot of his movies. Then someone I know recommended the film, and I decided to give it a go with Nellie.

    We didn’t have high hopes. I mean, look at the movie poster. Does that get you excited? She thought it was going to be dumb. I thought it was going to be dumb. But after five minutes, we found ourselves enjoying the characters and story. We finished it, both of us absolutely delighted. I liked it so much I corralled my two daughters into watching it with me. Then I watched it again. I think I watched it four times total. And I enjoyed it as much, maybe more, each time.

    Walter is a great guy who has had to play it safe and practical his whole life. When his and his co-worker’s jobs are threatened, he takes action and finds himself on a journey that starts in, ta-dum, Greenland. The movie’s got adventure, a slow-burn romance, and a cast of funny and quirky characters. But it isn’t mad-cap humor. It’s not a gushing love story. It’s something else. Something that left me feeling like my life had been leavened with a fine light joy. Give it a shot; I think you’ll be glad you did.

    * * *

    non-stop-movie-posterThe previews for Non-Stop with Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore looked great. I’m happy to report that it was every bit as good as the previews promised.

    Neeson plays a federal air marshal. While on a flight from New York to London, he gets a text telling him that unless 150 million dollars is transferred to an offshore account, someone will die every 20 minutes. But it’s not so easy finding the killer. The deaths are almost inexplicable. And things soon start to spin out of control.

    This movie is filled with surprises and suspense. And it moves. Thrillers normally move quickly, but this one was on turbo. But that doesn’t mean the story was a bunch of light and noise. Quite the contrary. The writers skillfully balance the mystery, action, suspense, and even the character backstories. A lot of folks liked Taken. I liked this better than that film. In fact, it’s one of the better thrillers I’ve seen these last few years.

    * * *

    winter-soldier-poster-no-maskI’m a superhero lover, have been since I was a kid watching the Superfriends cartoon every Saturday morning. But I never know if I’m going to enjoy a superhero movie. I love the genre, but for some reason so many of the films go for effect over story. It drives me nuts. The movie ends, the lights turn on, and I sit in my seat and go “huh.” So I’m happy to report that Captain America: The Winter Soldier actually delivers.

    I cannot say the same for Captain America: The First Avenger, the first in this series. That movie fell apart halfway through the film. The beginning was this wonderful story about a runt trying to do his duty and volunteer. The second half lost all its heart and turned into one big yawn. So for those of you who didn’t like that first film, know that this is a case of the sequel being far better than the original.

    In this one, SHIELD, the organization that directs the Avengers, comes under attack from within. Captain America and Black Widow have to uncover who is behind it and stop them before it’s too late. There are a lot of cool visuals and awesome action scenes. For example, I loved how Captain America “parachutes” into the opening mission. I enjoyed watching him and Black Widow fight in their distinctive ways. But the film didn’t focus on the tech or the super powers. It focused on the characters and the story. The plot includes a number of delicious surprises and reveals. There are funny moments and some poignant ones. And not only did this movie, unlike the first one, develop a single story all the way through, but it also echoes with our current search for national security.

    If you liked Iron Man and Iron Man 3, I think you’ll enjoy Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

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  • The Harry Potter Book of Mormon Hello

    ByJohn Brown

    For those who haven’t been tracking the Broadway scene, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone launched the production of The Book of Mormon musical last year in New York. It won 9 Tony Awards, including best muscial, delighted many critics, and is something I will never see, alas. It’s simply too vulgar for this Mo. However, the show’s cast album did something that hasn’t happened in over 40 years: It hit the top ten on Billboard’s pop charts. While I couldn’t listen to all the songs (yeah, I tried but was almost struck by lightning), “Hello,” the first, is great. But it doesn’t stop there. Oh, no. Tessa Netting, a 20-year-old Broadway actress, recently had the brilliant idea to combine the characters of Harry Potter with the song. I think you’ll be delighted with both.

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    “Hello – Harry Potter Book of Mormon Parody” which you can get on iTunes.

    You might want to listen to an interesting All Things Considered NRP interview where Stone and Parker talk about the music.

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  • Toy Story 3, How to Train Your Dragon, Rumbi Island Grill

    ByJohn Brown

    Toy Story 3

    It’s interesting that two of the most enjoyable films this year are both animated. The first is Toy Story 3. We all know how awful sequels can be, and, in fact, I didn’t like Toy Story 2 all that much. But Pixar defied the sequel slump with this one.

    Andy has grown up and is going to college. From a toy’s point of view, that’s tantamount to death because Andy has to clean out his room, and what is he going to do with all that junk anyway? The last few remaining toys barely miss the garbage truck and get sent, by accident, to the local day care instead. Sounds great for a toy, right? They’ll get played with every day forever. But things are not as they seem at the day care, and our crew of toys is put on the fast track to an early death. Will they be able to escape when the other toys there are ruled mob-style by a big pink teddy bear that smells of strawberries?

    I laughed and cried and cheered in this movie. There are hilarious scenes featuring Barbie and a Ken who’s gone over to the dark side. More gut busters with Buzz Lightyear when he’s put into Spanish mode and Mr. Potato Head who has powers we never would have suspected.

    But the movie goes beyond toys and action. It’s not just a cartoon. It’s about loyalty and friendship and heroics and love and family. Because my oldest will be leaving the nest next year, the final scenes carried extra power for me. But I think they will be effective for almost anyone because Pixar does in this movie what all great art does—it reaches into themes we all share. And in that moment, we identify so strongly with the characters that their situation becomes our own.

    How to Train Your Dragon

    Dreamworks’ How to Train Your Dragon, based on the novel by Cressida Cowell, is the movie I should have seen for my birthday. Instead, we went to the mind-numbing Clash of Titans. I still cringe at some of the massive plot holes in that one, even though Medusa rocked. Which only proves, once again, that cool effects can’t save a bad story. How to Train Your Dragon, on the other hand, delivers cool monsters, but never once did the writers make the mistake of thinking that cool monsters is what the story was about.

    The movie is about a young Viking named Hiccup who wants to be accepted, wants to become one of the burly defenders of his city, like his dad, Stoik the Vast. But Hiccup isn’t brawny. However, he is resourceful. And during a dragon attack, he brings down a mysterious Night Fury dragon with his invention. However, when he finds the dragon, he can’t bring himself to kill it. Instead, Hiccup and the dragon begin a friendship. But will Hiccup be able to save the dragon that everyone wants to kill? Will the Vikings be able to see the truth about the dragons before they’re destroyed? Most importantly, will Stoik be able to accept his son?

    I enjoyed the superb animation in this story as well as the dragons. But it was the characters and humor that made this movie so good. There’s Stoik who just can’t relate to his son, but tries to bond with a very interesting use of his dead wife’s brassier, Hiccup, the son, with his dry wit, and Gobber, a peg-leg family friend who has some of the best lines in the movie.

    Go see this show. You’ll laugh, and then you’ll wish you had a dragon of your own.

    Rumbi Island Grill

    The Rumbi Island Grill is a restaurant chain that started in Salt Lake City in 2000. They serve fast, casual tropical food at incredibly good prices. My favorite is their rice bowl. It comes with your choice of sauce, rice, and meat with sautéed vegetables. In the Netherlands I learned to love Indonesian food and the spicy-sweet peanut sauce that often accompanied it, which is why I can’t get enough of the Bali Island bowl with brown rice and shrimp. You might find you love the sauce so much you ask for two servings to pour over your bowl (oh, and add a dash of the hot sauce). The food’s great, but they’ve paid attention to the Hawaiian atmosphere as well. So even though it’s fast food (you order and they bring it out to you), you feel like you’re sitting in a casual dining restaurant.

    I always look for a Rumbi when I travel down to Salt Lake City or Provo. Now I don’t have to go so far–a restaurant has opened up in Logan right across from the Wal-Mart on the south end of town! I took Nellie there recently. The staff was friendly and the food was delicious–just what I’d come to expect.

    Now all we need is a Cheesecake Factory!

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  • Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell

    ByJohn Brown

    I’m a sucker for military stories. I wanted to be an ARMY Ranger was I was in my teens. Wanted to go commando. Still regret it to this day that I didn’t. And so when a friend told me about Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell with Patrick Robinson, I had to read it.

    In June of 2005 four U.S. Navy SEALs took up a position on a godforsaken mountain in Afghanistan close to the Pakistan border. Their goal was to capture or kill a notorious Taliban/al Qaeda  leader whose small army had been ambushing and killing Marines. The problem was: three goat herders stumbled upon the SEALs not very long after they got into position.

    If the SEALs don’t kill the goat herders, they will almost assuredly alert the Taliban force. SEALs are the best. But four against two hundred doesn’t compute. If they do kill the goat herders, then they’re sure someone will find the bodies. The Taliban will claim US soldiers are killing innocent civilians.  And the US media will pick it up. The SEALs were sure they will end up being tried for murder. It wouldn’t be the first time.

    The SEALs let the goat herders go. Within hours the Taliban show up. Four SEALs. Two hundred plus Taliban armed with rifles and grenade launchers who have the high position on a mountain with plummeting slopes and very little cover.

    Lone Survivor tells the story of Marcus Luttrell, the leader of that SEAL team, his training as a SEAL and then that desperate fight in the mountains. He and the other three SEALs fought ferociously. He was the only one to survive.

    I had to force myself not to read this book in one sitting. Not only do you get a great story, but you also get insights into what makes a SEAL and their system of values. You’ll get to know a man who makes you want to stand up for God and country. And you’ll marvel at the courage of those who fight in our armed services.

    I loved this book. May God bless the men and women who risk life and limb for all the rest of us. For the rest of us, we can see what they face in this excellent first-hand account.

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  • Good Stuff! A clear-eyed view of the Founders

    ByJohn Brown

    When it comes to politics, we frequently talk twice as much as we should and listen half as much as is deserved. With our mouths open so much of the time, we fail to get the facts. And this often leads us to paint things in hyperbolic black or white.

    One area where we seem to do this regularly is with the Founding Fathers. Depending on our side, we label the Founders as devils or demigods and the constitution as a wicked document or holy writ.

    Is it possible both sides are distorting the truth?

    Joseph Ellis, one of the nation’s foremost scholars of American history, suggests that we are. He has written an excellent article for the online Encyclopedia Britannica called “Founding Fathers” that points out both the amazing things the Founders achieved with the birth of this nation and some of their most egregious failures.

    I don’t know about you, but I find clarity a good thing. I think it helps us have more productive conversations. If you agree with me, I think you’ll enjoy the clarity Ellis brings to the Founders and the nation they set up. Read his article here.

    For my part, I think the Founders set up an awesome system. Not because it was perfect at birth, but because it was a system that got enough right to allow us to get where we are today. Look at how far we’ve come on so many fronts! And it got enough right to allow us as a nation to get even better in the future.

    Just consider what the Founders implemented that was in no government at that time. The ideals of individual liberty, the separation of powers, the ability for a huge swath of citizens to elect their leaders, the ability to change the constitution itself, the separation of church and state, and the engine of democratic capitalism that has lifted more people out of poverty than anything else the world has seen.

    The Framers didn’t create the Constitution in a vacuum, but nowhere in the world had anyone set anything up that went so far. There was nothing like it, no real examples to follow. And many thought it would fail, just as France’s attempt in their revolution failed just a few years later.

    As for things they got wrong. Well, they themselves soon recognized the way we elect the president and vice president didn’t work and adjusted it. Their idea that political parties wouldn’t form was wrong. Their idea of a militia for common defense didn’t work (see my writeup here). Their compromise on slavery was a festering sore that came to a head before the Union was 100 years old. Their treatment of the Indians was awful. Their reasons for excluding women and those not owning land was bone-headed.

    So, yes, they got some things wrong. Some of them held some beliefs that we find appalling today. And the nation has not implemented their stated ideals as well as we might have hoped. However, the Founders got so many things right. And what’s more, they did it as men living in the times they lived, having grown up with the beliefs and values of that time, not those of 2019!

    While we as a nation have progressed from some of their failures (thank heavens), in other ways the Founders may be are our betters. There are a great many lessons to learn from them, both from their successes and failures. One is their humility—they knew what they’d created wasn’t perfect. Let’s not imagine that we or our ideas are perfect either.

    If you’re at all interested in politics, I recommend Ellis’s article and its view of the Founders. Read it article here.

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  • Good Stuff! How to Make Meetings Work

    ByJohn Brown

    Do you regularly sit through meetings that seem to accomplish nothing?

    Meetings where people drone on and on and on.

    Meetings where people discuss and no decision is ever made.

    Meetings that always slide off topic.

    Meetings that should never have been held in the first place.

    In many cases, the reason these meetings stink is because those organizing them are not aware there’s any other way to hold a meeting. But there is. I was fortunate enough to have been exposed to it just out of college while working for a business consulting firm in San Francisco. (And why they didn’t teach this in my business degree I will never know!)

    After learning the simple and powerful principles, I was eventually paid to plan and facilitate meetings for clients. In some of these meetings they were making incredibly important decisions. I remember a client flying me and a colleague from San Francisco to Delaware for two days of meetings.

    You might be groaning at the thought. But they paid thousands of dollars to have us come and facilitate. And when we were done, the energy in the room was palpable. A number of those that were involved were astounded and said they’d never been involved in such productive sessions. They’d accomplished more in the hours we were there than in months of other meetings. They were happy and grateful we’d come.

    Think of that—happy and grateful for a meeting that went on for hours!

    When meetings are done right, the collaboration and synergy can be amazing. Now, you may think that some secret handshake is required to learn how to do this. Or that it’s only for those with some special knack. Or that it’s only for high-powered jobs. If you do, you’d be wrong.

    And that’s because you can learn the principles all for a few bucks. They’re laid out in perfect clarity in How to Make Meetings Work by Michael Doyle and David Straus. This is the book that was the source of our training sessions all those years ago. And I reread it every few years to brush up. The principles work in everything from a family council to a board meeting to class settings. I know because I’ve used the ideas in all of them. And when I fail to take just a few minutes to prepare, that’s when the meeting becomes, well, just another (yawn) meeting.

    If you hold meetings of any kind and want to improve them, give this book a try. I think you’ll be happy you did.

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2 Comments

  1. Thanks, John. Food for thought. And addresses learning points i am facing at work with colleagues at this exact moment. Regards.

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